Will my Kickstarter succeed?

As of today I have 13 days to reach my funding goal for my Kickstarter campaign to produce a recovery music album.  If I do not reach the goal, I don't receive any funds.  To say I'm not nervous that this project will succeed is a huge understatement. I'm doing my best to be positive and to spread the word on social media and within my circle of family and friends.  Unfortunately I'm not receiving the responses I was hoping for.

There's a part of me that feels disappointment that I'm not even close to reaching my goal.  It makes me question whether this project is good enough, whether I'm good enough and deserving, whether people care about eating disorders, whether people care about my own recovery, and the list goes on.

Another blow came when a "friend" told me in essence that I shouldn't be doing certain cover songs because I don't sound good singing them.  She said that someone from outside my family had to tell me because my family is probably too scared to tell me the truth.  I kindly asked her to please stop sending me messages because she was hurting my feelings, however she just had to send one more.  I'm not sure what her purpose of doing this was.  It's amazing how one person can shake your faith in yourself.  I've chosen to let her words roll off my back.  I don't need her approval or really anyone's approval for pursuing my dreams.

My dream is to sing and perform and to bring awareness about eating disorders.  Not until I received treatment and went into a partial hospitalization program did I realize how sick I was.  Not until I was eating regularly and watched my body change did I realize how much abuse my body had taken.

Music is an amazing outlet for me.  I love listening to songs that pull at my heartstrings and hearing something new inside the music.  I've chosen the songs I'm covering because they help me express how I feel, good or bad.  I've also find comfort in writing lyrics.  I've been writing lyrics for a very long time, but I never thought I could ever share them because no one could know about my struggles.  Now I want to share these personal lyrics so others know they are not alone.  We all know what's it like to find that one song that moves us, stirs something inside us that we can't exactly explain, but we know we've found something special.

To be able to share this music and my message of body acceptance and self love, I need your help.  Producing an album takes a lot of time and effort and it comes with a price.  If you are able please pledge $1 and share this campaign with others.  

Let's change the world one song at a time.

Here is the link to my campaign: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2026292512/emilys-eating-disorder-recovery-music-album?ref=project_share

Thank you so much for your support!

I still need help

I haven't blogged since the end of May!  Partly why I haven't said anything is because I feel so conflicted within myself.  

I've been struggling with body image a lot and I don't really want anyone to know.  I want people to think that in recovery I'm doing really well and that although there are bad days I'm still doing amazing.  Don't get me wrong, there are days I look in the mirror and I give myself a high five because I like how I look and I feel good.  But it seems whenever I have a good day, a string of bad days follow.  It's like ED can't handle me even having one good day, he has to take it from me, throw doubt in the mix and make everything confusing.

In a sense, I'm disappointed in myself that I'm struggling.  I want to be a voice for others who are struggling, but how can I set a good example when my mind starts spinning ED's lies?  Overall, I'm eating and my body tells me when it needs food - this is a very good thing!  Then there are days I still eat, but I'm so anxious and I start lamenting over the fact that my body has changed and how everyone is judging me.  (I have quite the ego, don't I?)

I still need help.  One of the hardest things for me to do is ask for help and I've already learned many times that hiding and being silent is not the answer, so here it goes.

I need support.  I need family and friends that can set aside what they're doing because I need to talk something out or to cry or to celebrate.  I need reminders that life is amazing and beautiful.  I need someone to just ask "how are you?" and really mean it.  I need laughter and hugs and shared memories.  I need to know how you are doing and if you need me.

I'm blessed with so many wonderful people in my life and I continuously have to remind myself that I don't have to do this alone and the best part is knowing none of you would want me to do this alone.

I love you all!  Getting my perspective back is difficult, but I know I can do this with your help!

Thank you.

Behind the scenes

I'm working on my recovery album and I have taken some behind the scenes video.  I can't wait to share it after this awesome videographer I know works his magic.  I've always been fascinated with all the work that goes into a big project like this because once the project is done it has been polished and perfected.  No one sees the blood, sweat and tears that went into the project being a success, unless you share it like I intend to do.

I've watched some of the footage and it's hard for me to watch myself because I'm so critical.  I notice every mistake and flaw, just like I notice every mistake and flaw about my body, my personality, and my life in general.

Recovery could have its own behind the scenes footage.  On the outside people see me smile and laugh and be in good spirits, but that's not the whole story, that's just a finished project (and I can't even really say it's finished because recovery is ongoing).  People don't see the days that I'm extremely anxious, feeling down in the dumps, obsessing about the differences in my body, experiencing moments of chronic pain, or having a hard time eating dinner.

I've been in recovery for almost a year and a half and that's something to be proud of.  However, I sometimes get this sense that certain people think I'm all better or cured or something.  There is no cure, but there is lots of hard work in my future.

Right now my biggest struggle in recovery is learning not to care what others think.  I'm so afraid of being judged.  My body has changed and it's difficult not to obsess about it.  My mind has all these irrational thoughts that tell me everyone is judging my body and not in a good way. Then my wise friends come into the picture and ask some very simple questions:

Did anybody die? No...

Did you lose your job? No...

Do you have family and friends who love you? Yes...

Bringing back the perspective is so important!  In treatment we had gratitude journals and by naming our gratitude we would remind ourselves of what's important.

The number in my jeans doesn't dictate how talented I am, how many friends I have, how much I care about others, how intelligent I am, how funny I can be, and the list goes on.  As my mom mentioned to me recently: the only person who seems worried about your size is YOU.  And she's right.

Recording my recovery album is giving me a chance to accept the mistakes and flaws that will naturally occur, which in turn will teach me to accept what I consider mistakes and flaws in myself.  Besides, I hear being perfect is overrated.  😉

I'm more than a number

Recently I went shopping for the second time since being in recovery.  My wonderful husband came with me, but even with his support I struggled a lot.  

Before I went into recovery I was at a normal weight and I was always terrified (still am terrified) of gaining weight because if I'm already at a normal weight I shouldn't gain weight, right?  

Wrong.  

I can't say whether anyone in recovery will gain weight or not, it really depends on each individual.  My body is figuring out where it needs to be.  Unfortunately where my body needs to be is very different from where I want my body to be.  There are certain clothing that don't fit anymore and a part of me feels like a huge failure.

It wasn't until this last shopping trip that I realized how sick I really was.  I'm not going to use numbers because I don't want to trigger anyone so I'll use letters.  For a long time I was size X, but after trying on clothes I'm now size Z and it's totally messing with my head.  BUT!  I have to put it into perspective that naturally my body is size Z and I went to extreme measures for years to make sure I was a size X.

I seriously cried after shopping because I felt so disgusting.  I felt like I let myself go, that everyone can tell I've gained weight and that everyone is judging me for it.  This week was really tough, but the more distance I had from my nightmare shopping experience the more I could detach myself from the nightmare.  

I now can appreciate my new clothes because they're comfortable and they look good.  I even got a compliment when I wore my new dress pants.  Even though I shouldn't worry what others think it did prove something to me: nobody is keeping track of my weight or my clothing size.  My coworker didn't say anything about the size of my pants or ask me how much I weigh, she simply gave me a compliment of her own freewill.

I still need to add to my wardrobe, but I'm not as scared to go shopping because I'm more than a number.

Out of my comfort zone

This year I decided I would commit to doing things that make me uncomfortable.  I've let fear and doubt take over my life for way too long.  It's time to act and stop playing the "what if" game.  

One of my good friends, Justin, has been phenomenal at challenging me.  For example, with my recovery album he suggested I contact people so they can help promote my music and that a Kickstarter campaign is in the works.

So I did.  And it was terrifying.  When I called various eating disorder organizations I had no idea what to say.  I usually started with:

Um...hi, my name is Emily and um...

Have any of your read the children's book Emily Umily?  That's so me.  I hate talking on the phone, to groups of people, sometimes to my own friends because I'm scared that I'm going to say something stupid or someone is going judge me.

Eventually after saying "um" plenty of times I finally spit it out:

I'm in recovery for an eating disorder and I'm recording a recovery music album.  I want to bring awareness about this project and I was hoping to get your help to spread the word.

Or something like that.  I mention the Kickstarter campaign as well.  Responses have varied from excitement (e-mail me your info!) to uncertainty (cue crickets sound) or I had to leave a voicemail or send an e-mail.  Can you imagine how many times I say "um" on a voicemail?!

So far I'm waiting to hear back from most of my contacts and one eating disorder organization left a message on my phone saying they couldn't help me.  I found it a bit odd since my intent is to spread awareness about eating disorders and give people hope and support, but they can't help in my cause because they're probably busy...spreading awareness about eating disorders and giving people hope and support.  (That was a bit snarky of me, wasn't it?  I don't know why they can't be of assistance, but they did wish me luck so that's something, right?)

Guess what?  I did get an amazing response from one of my contacts!  Her name is Caroline Bach and she's a reporter for Channel 27 news!  On Sunday she came to my house and interviewed me about my eating disorder and my recovery album.  I don't remember what I said!  But I do remember Caroline was a very fun person to talk to and even though I was completely out of my comfort zone I survived.  

That may seem a little dramatic.  Woman survives interview splashed across the front page!  For me, it was a huge step!  Knowing that this story, my story, is going to be told is strange, weird, crazy, terrifying and also wonderful, awesome, amazing, brave!  I want to make a difference and the only real way to make a difference is by stepping out of that comfort zone.

Why I NEDA week

Yesterday was the last day of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week.  I was hoping to post more on to social media, but there were a few days this past week that I wasn't feeling well.  But the nice thing about awareness is that it doesn't have to end after the designated week or month is over.  Hopefully it lights the dry brush in a field and starts a wildfire that spreads across the states, the continents, the world.

Why I need #NEDAwareness is because it reminds me I'm not alone, it validates how I feel, it gives me courage to keep fighting, it gives me a voice to share my story, it gives me optimism that I will succeed in recovery and so much more.

One way I'm going to continue spreading awareness is producing my recovery album.  I've already started the recording process and I'm so happy to be back in the studio.  It will be a mixture of covers (with my own spin) and originals.  

There are plenty of days I'm super excited and can't wait to launch my Kickstarter campaign and see it thrive.  Then there are other days I'm questioning myself - what makes me think I'm good enough, that people actually want to hear what I have to say, that people will enjoy the music, that people can relate, and on and on and on.  Doubt and fear.  Those are ED's favorite tools, but I'm not playing his game anymore.  

One of my close friends reminded me, regardless of what happens with my recovery album, I'm doing it for me.  I don't need to impress anyone nor do I need anyone's permission.  It's time to trust myself and do something that seems impossible because I promised myself that I would step outside of my comfort zone.

Making ED mad

Most recently I've been feeling low and experiencing harmful thoughts about restricting, cutting and death.  I'm physically fine, I haven't given into those thoughts.  I feel like a hypocrite to promote recovery and body acceptance and self love, when right now I want to return to the very behaviors that led me into treatment in the first place.  I told my husband yesterday that I'm disappointed in myself because I was doing so well and now...I'm not, as if all that hard work doesn't mean anything.  But he reminded me my hard work isn't gone and that I will have slips and falls.  

I keep questioning, why am I having so much trouble right now?  Overall this past year I've done rather well in recovery.  I've been told on more than one occasion that I seem happier and brighter and that just makes me smile even more!

Then I realized what's going on: I've made ED mad.  All my successes, especially my newest one, smashing my scale, makes ED weaker.  He's like some bad exboyfriend that doesn't get the hint I'm not coming back to you, it's OVER.  But now he's stalking me with a vengeance, trying to make my life seem out of control so I'll go back to him and remember the "good times".

Dear ED,

This probably won't be the last letter I write.  I'm once again telling you that it's over, we are done.  If I go back to you I know you'll end up killing me.  If I could legally get a restraining order against you I would do it in a heartbeat.  I've had enough of your bullshit and abuse.  I may feel weak right now, but I know what it's like to feel strong.  There are so many things I want to do with my life and you're just a fucking control freak.

I know about the others.  I know about all your affairs and I'm warning you to leave them alone.  I've been starting a revolution, I've been calling you out on your bullshit, I've been laughing in your face and you can't handle it.  Who's the weak one now?  In the end you're going to be all alone.

P.S.  I've got an army so you better watch yourself.  You're going down, jackass.