Still feeling good!

It's strange to report that I'm still feeling good!  Just comparing to how terrible last year and previous years were and even the beginning of this one, I'm amazed at this change for the better.  I can't believe I was trying to prepare myself for suicide around my birthday.  Phew...that's scary.  

Recovery is not a walk in the park.  I'm still missing some parts to my meal plan now and then, but I'm eating every day and that's awesome!  I need to work on planning better so I get everything I need in each meal and snack.

I'm not obsessing about my weight like I was before or my clothing size.  I'm curious as to what my weight is, but I know going down that path will most likely trigger me and possibly create a lapse or worse.

Today I looked in the mirror and actually liked how I looked in my dress pants.  Go figure!  It's all very exciting and alarming.  I'm not used to appreciating myself and how I look.

I'm also eating "bad" foods or what I considered was bad.  If a cookie looks good I'm gonna eat it because my body will know what to do with it.  I'm allowed to enjoy food!  What a concept!  Do I still have my moments of why did you just eat that?!  Yes, of course, I'm still fighting a very serious disorder, but I'm able to fight those thoughts more than I used to.

At Easter I ate probably a bigger meal than I'd like for having eaten at all my other designated times, but guess what?  When I was done eating I was satisfied and I didn't want to binge because I had starved myself the whole morning and possibly the previous day.  

I still worry that I'm not considered thin or beautiful or that I'll gain weight, but so many wonderful people in my life have proven to me that those things don't even matter.  We are all beautiful!  

Stop trying to lose weight and diet and exercise too much.  Eat the foods that will nourish your body, but also let it have some fun foods and eat a cookie!  If you like to swim then go to the community pool or for me I love dance and I'm in a beginner ballet class.  I also started yoga right after I was discharged from treatment.  I'm still involved in theatre and that includes movement too.  I feel like for right now those are great activities for me and I don't need to spend lots of time (or any time) on  fitness equipment or have a gym membership.  My point is move your body in some way that works for you!  Notice I didn't say exercise!

Find what you're passionate about!  For me it's music, dance and theatre!  Maybe for you it's science or literature.  Spend time every day doing something for you, even if it's just listening to your favorite song or taking time to write a poem or studying about dark matter (which I found out is pretty cool and a difficult concept for me to understand completely).

Dudes...I'm doing it.  I'm recovering.  Who knew feeling good felt so...good?!  I don't want to go back to where I was and I still have so much room for improvement, but life comes one day at a time and that's what I'm learning to let unfold.

Here's a smile for your day!

Good moods

I'm glad to say I'm in a good mood!  I was not doing the greatest and I felt like I didn't even have control in my own recovery.  I was just watching myself lapse and felt nothing but doom and gloom.  Then I experienced the moment that I just couldn't take this crap anymore (see You're gonna hear me roar blog post).

Since then I've still had moments of feeling anxious or not feeling hungry or feeling guilty for eating certain foods, but I'm not letting that get in my way.  Recently I heard the song Happy by Pharrell for the first time and it really put a spark in my mood.  I've watched some of the hour length videos and took in everyone's uniqueness, how they expressed themselves by what they were wearing, the props they used and the movement of their bodies.  It's amazing what a smile can do for your image!  I want to start dancing randomly in public places because...why not?

A good friend pointed me into the direction of the song Brave by Sara B.  I love the video and watching each dancer do their thang.  It just makes me smile how open they were to the experience and just danced like no one was watching.

Seeing the confidence of all these people just makes me want to be brave and happy and hopefully infect those closest around me with this amazing energy.

I'll now quote Max Bialystock: 

There's more to you than there is to you.

Yes, I'm aware Max was full of BS when he said this to Leo Bloom, but really, there is more to all of us than we even realize.

I don't have any more time for fear and sadness!  Let's hit the ground running!  Let's make people smile and laugh.  Let's do strange things in public.  Let's write music and plays and books.  Let's dance and sing to our heart's content.  Let's unleash the more.  I dare you!