Bumps in the road

Dinner is almost done and even though I agreed to have what John is currently cooking, I'd rather just not have it.  Why?  I'm not hungry, I'm feeling anxious about the first cast meeting for Annie, I feel like I ate enough today, I'm worried I've gained weight, and blah, blah, blah.  I could continue on with all my excuses of why dinner shouldn't happen.

This week I can't count how many times I wanted to just give up.  Recovery seemed too complicated and impossible.  I had made plans how to make it look like I was recovering, but really going back to what I used to do.  Thankfully this week I met with my psychiatrist and therapist.  Since my anxiety has been so high the psychiatrist made a med adjustment and talking things out with my therapist was super helpful.  My family has made steps in helping me create more structure to my day and checking in with me to make sure I'm continuing in the right direction.

ED has been getting louder and more persistent.  There are times that what he says is comforting and makes sense so it makes not having a snack seem reasonable.  But as we like to say when in doubt follow the meal plan.  

My mom said she didn't quite understand after going through treatment and accepting I have a problem why eating was still difficult.  It's a good point she brought up.  I've been starving myself for so long that eating six times a day is still a foreign concept.  Also, I'm usually not feeling any hunger cues or I may feel very anxious and my stomach is in knots.  The biggest part though is that the thoughts and emotions don't go away.  They will be there for the rest of my life, except they won't affect me like they do now.  I know people have recovered and are in a much happier place in their lives.  They are my inspiration.

Putting my life back together is like doing construction on the worst road ever.  It's going to take time and it's going to be hard manual labor.  It's going to take a lot of people and equipment.  Before the road is successfully finished it's going to be uncomfortable to drive on with all the potholes and bumps.   My car may run out of gas on this road, which currently doesn't have a gas station, debris could cause a flat tire or create dents, my car may get stuck in a pothole, etc.  

ED is going to do whatever it takes to slow down my progress and keep creating potholes and bumps on this broken road, but he doesn't seem to quite get that I have a whole construction crew helping me repair it.  

I'm still going to have days I don't want to eat dinner.  Tonight I took a break from blogging and ate dinner.  Why?  I need to have energy to go to my meeting tonight, I have ballet tomorrow morning, I have things to do around the house this weekend, but the biggest part is wanting to take back beauty and kick ED to the curb.