The art of flirting

Life has been busy and fun.  We did our second and last run of Annie this past weekend.  It's always amazing to see how shows come together and then see what friendships bloom out of the experience.  I made friends with so many teenagers!  Very talented teenagers, I might add.

With the run of the show it's been hard to keep up with the meal plan.  The nerves that come with performing ceases my hunger (if there was any to begin with) and I'm trying to get back on track...again.  Like I said in my last post that's something I'm going to be doing over and over again.

Recently people have been making comments about food and weight and in my mind I just roll my eyes and tell myself to ignore it.  But I realized yesterday that although at the time of the conversations I wasn't triggered, I started flirting with ED when I got home.

I went on YouTube and found a movie about a girl with an eating disorder and her family.  John wasn't home yet and I knew I could get away with watching most of it.  While the main character begins to hear those destructive and seductive thoughts about losing weight and not eating, my thoughts started going down that path too. 

What if I just lose a little bit of weight?

And ED gets very excited at this notion:

Yes!  Just a little bit and then you'll be perfect.  You don't have to follow your meal plan.  You're eating every day, isn't that enough?  You'll have better luck in casting for shows and everyone will think you're gorgeous.  You know I won't let you down.

It's always some rendition of this and even though I know he's full of crap I still was intrigued.  I was taking mental notes of what this girl was doing in the movie, of how I can appear to be following my meal plan, but really restricting.

Then...John came home and we had already planned we were going out to eat.  So I paused my movie and we went to the restaurant.  I was in denial of how much the movie affected me and John could tell something was off.  I talked about my stressful day at work and how what people have said recently actually did affect me.  I didn't tell him about the movie - I didn't want him to tell me I shouldn't be watching it.

Upon returning home I went back to my movie and John busied himself with other things.  The ending of this movie is a huge punch in the stomach.  I didn't see that ending coming at all and that stopped me in my tracks.  Instead of wanting to continue to flirt with ED I got mad.

I don't need you!  Go away!  I can't do what I want if I'm sick.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my dietician and I'm going to tell her that I haven't quite been doing my part.  I feel like I tell her this every single appointment, but that doesn't mean I'm not recovering and moving in the right direction.

Some awesome achievements to share:

-I haven't weighed myself since treatment

-I haven't self harmed since September 2013

-I haven't purged since October 2013

-I have eaten every day since treatment

So although I flirted with ED yesterday I have made some amazing progress and I can't lose sight of that.  I can honestly say I'm proud of myself.

Getting back on track

Something I'm going to have to get used to is getting back on track again and again.  I've shared recently how good I've felt, but unfortunately that feeling doesn't stay.  Life happens and then for some reason instead of taking two steps forward, I take a step back.  I think a combination of being sick with a cold, a family friend dying, rehearsing and performing for a show and not getting enough sleep equals a lapse.

Today I didn't follow my meal plan at all and this past weekend was very difficult to uphold it as well.  I basically went the whole work day without eating much.  I wasn't trying to restrict, but I really haven't been hungry for days so I just let it slide.  Other people aren't hungry when they're sick or busy...but usually they don't make a habit out of not eating much for days because they're trying to lose weight.

The strange thing about today was not having the thoughts of needing to lose weight or any negative self talk.  I even questioned myself, is this the eating disorder or what?  It's hard to draw that line where ED ends and recovery begins.

I was comfortable with only eating granola this morning and having nothing else until dinner.  Even if I wasn't actively thinking about losing weight, I could easily go right back to where I started before recovery because I've done it for so long.  This is why it's so important for me to follow the meal plan no matter what.  Not feeling hunger is not an excuse to get away with not eating.

Even though this past weekend and today were part of a lapse doesn't mean that I'm back at square one.  It does mean that it's difficult to get back on my meal plan because now I have to work on eating three meals and three snacks each day again.

My first step in the right direction was eating dinner tonight!  Today isn't over and all isn't lost.  Yes, I only ate granola that really shouldn't be expected to sustain someone for about nine hours, but I told John and we figured out what I would like to eat so my dinner would be a success and it was!  

I'm not hungry and I have an evening snack to eat still.  Guess what?  I'm going to eat a snack.  It's going to suck, but recovery was never meant to be a walk in the park.

Tomorrow I need to make sure I pack my snacks and lunch because I can't let today happen again.  I could easily pretend to get back on track and assure everyone on my support team that I ate what I needed at work, but really that's just setting me up for disaster.  Today I had to remind myself how awful I've felt in years past and how terrible just five months ago was.  I can't go back.

Sure, I miss treatment.  I miss the other patients, the staff, the art therapy, the structure, etc, but I don't belong there anymore.  Treatment became my comfort zone and I was terrified to leave and I'm still terrified I'm not there anymore.  Today I longed for treatment because I knew that I would have gotten through my meals and snacks.  Not because I would have been hungry or because the food is better, but because I wouldn't be doing it alone.  I'd have my fellow patients (really my friends) and staff there to help.  Today I missed the opportunity to ask for help, for encouragement, for someone to eat with me.

Tomorrow is a new day though and I plan on being prepared.

Crawling out of my skin

Right now I literally feel like I'm crawling out of my skin.  I've been feeling this way since before my psychiatrist appointment today and that was three hours ago.  I don't know how to make the feeling stop!  I don't know why I'm so anxious!  

My doctor suggested I don't go back to work full time yet so that decision has been made, no reason to be anxious over that.

I have rehearsal tonight, but I'm only there for a little bit because I don't have a big role.  No reason to be nervous...

My friend is going to inpatient tomorrow...sad panda.  It's possible I'm feeling anxious for her...I do that a lot - take on people's problems and feelings.

I'm planning out my next album, which I decided is going to be about recovery.  That's exciting, but it can be anxious producing...but I'm in the beginning phase of it so would I really be anxious about this?  Maybe....right now I'm mostly just conceptualizing, figuring out songs I want to cover and reading through old lyrics for my originals.

There are auditions tonight and tomorrow for an upcoming show, but since I can't be there I already auditioned so I don't need to be nervous about not being at auditions...but the waiting game is terrible.  Anticipatory anxiety?  Most likely yes.

It's almost dinner time and feeling anxious already doesn't really start me off on the right foot.  Am I hungry right now?  Of course not.  The thought of eating anything turns my stomach, but I need to eat sooner rather than later since I have rehearsal tonight.

Do I have to eat?  Yes...unfortunately.  Do I have to like it that I have to eat?  No...but that doesn't make it any better.  

Seriously, why does this have to be so hard?

I don't know...ugh...

Sliding down the rabbit hole

I've been struggling with sticking to the meal plan.  I'm never hungry or I'm anxious or depressed or something and eating just seems like a hassle.  I didn't realize how sick I was until I went into treatment and now in the process of recovery.  A part of me truly thought I could stop whenever I wanted to.

I'm returning to work full time in a few days and I can only hope for the best.  My dietician wants me to plan everything and I understand her reasoning, but even if I make a plan doesn't mean the plan will be followed.  I've been watching myself slip ever so slightly.  It takes me forever to finish my meals and when I'm at work my mind goes completely into work mode and I'm never hungry then.  The people around me are doing their best to keep me accountable, but there is only so much they can do.  And there is only so much I can do.

I texted one of my friends from treatment.  I wanted to get some encouragement, reinforce that recovery is worth it.  But I found that my friend took a dive after treatment and is going into inpatient.  That's scary.  Inpatient means hospital, means you fell down the rabbit hole so far that we need lots of rope and light and shovels to get you out.  They say it gets worse before it gets better.  I'd say going from partial hospitalization to discharge to inpatient is a good example of how that works.  I wish her the best.

When I met with my dietician this past week she did a blind weight.  To me blind weight means she's somewhat worried.  She said my meal plan is already low so if I don't follow it completely I might lose weight and easily slide back into ED's arms.  She weighed me so she could get an idea of where I'm at.  This is the person who said I don't care what you weigh.  Of course she only means that to a point, she doesn't care as long as I follow the meal plan.  These appointments are rather blunt and direct.  She doesn't put up with any BS, not that I would try to pull one over her, because she knows who she's dealing with: ED.  

And he never plays nice.

When clothes don't fit

Today I was picking out my clothes for work and I realized I hadn't worn a pair of dress pants in awhile. They are one of my favorite pairs and I remember the many days of them fitting loosely.  But today, they didn't fit.  It's probably one of the most embarrassing things I could share, but whether I share it or not the fact is these pants are too tight.

My first initial reaction was to freak out.  My meal plan is for weight maintenance (not weight restoration) and I've been doing my best to follow it.  This is my worst nightmare: that eating food made me gain weight.  Do I really know if I gained weight?  No because I don't have a scale, but if my scale was back in my possession the first thing I would have done was hop on for good ol' times sake.  And then plan out how I would combat the "fat".

ED definitely had a lot to say about this, of course.

ED: See, I told you not to trust them.  You can't trust food and you certainly can't trust your body.  What if you gain more and everyone will notice and judge you.  You can't be pretty and wear a larger size.  You can always come back to me, you know.  I'm always here for you.

I agree with ED.  I don't feel like I can trust food or my body.  Or maybe control is a better word.  Right now what my body does is completely out of my control.  I have to continue to follow this meal plan and I have no idea what the future brings.  I have no idea what my body will do next.  I don't like the unknowns.

Maybe normal people don't freak out when they realize something doesn't fit like it used to.  I'm sure they don't obsess about it like I do.  In the past, I would have made those pants my goal.  It's not uncommon in the eating disorder world to pick an outfit that's too small and make it your goal to fit into.  The big motivator is when you leave the article of clothing out in the open so it will constantly remind you when you feel hungry that food is the enemy.

I really wish I could restrict for a week and see how the pants fit and keep doing it until they are loose on my hips again.  It's a bit addicting when your clothes are a bit too big.  It's a milestone marker for all the hard work you put into your body.  This "hard work" is really what you took out and left out of your body.

Even though I want to take back beauty, there is this part of me that's not ready to let go of ED.  Am I saying I'm going to start engaging in all my behaviors and forget about recovery?  No.  I am saying that I'm not going to easily forget about my brown dress pants and how they are now a part of my past instead of my present and future.

You might wonder what's next for these pairs of pants.  For right now, they're going to stay in my closet.  Myintent is not for self torture, promise.  I'm just not ready to say goodbye and let them go for good.

 

Bumps in the road

Dinner is almost done and even though I agreed to have what John is currently cooking, I'd rather just not have it.  Why?  I'm not hungry, I'm feeling anxious about the first cast meeting for Annie, I feel like I ate enough today, I'm worried I've gained weight, and blah, blah, blah.  I could continue on with all my excuses of why dinner shouldn't happen.

This week I can't count how many times I wanted to just give up.  Recovery seemed too complicated and impossible.  I had made plans how to make it look like I was recovering, but really going back to what I used to do.  Thankfully this week I met with my psychiatrist and therapist.  Since my anxiety has been so high the psychiatrist made a med adjustment and talking things out with my therapist was super helpful.  My family has made steps in helping me create more structure to my day and checking in with me to make sure I'm continuing in the right direction.

ED has been getting louder and more persistent.  There are times that what he says is comforting and makes sense so it makes not having a snack seem reasonable.  But as we like to say when in doubt follow the meal plan.  

My mom said she didn't quite understand after going through treatment and accepting I have a problem why eating was still difficult.  It's a good point she brought up.  I've been starving myself for so long that eating six times a day is still a foreign concept.  Also, I'm usually not feeling any hunger cues or I may feel very anxious and my stomach is in knots.  The biggest part though is that the thoughts and emotions don't go away.  They will be there for the rest of my life, except they won't affect me like they do now.  I know people have recovered and are in a much happier place in their lives.  They are my inspiration.

Putting my life back together is like doing construction on the worst road ever.  It's going to take time and it's going to be hard manual labor.  It's going to take a lot of people and equipment.  Before the road is successfully finished it's going to be uncomfortable to drive on with all the potholes and bumps.   My car may run out of gas on this road, which currently doesn't have a gas station, debris could cause a flat tire or create dents, my car may get stuck in a pothole, etc.  

ED is going to do whatever it takes to slow down my progress and keep creating potholes and bumps on this broken road, but he doesn't seem to quite get that I have a whole construction crew helping me repair it.  

I'm still going to have days I don't want to eat dinner.  Tonight I took a break from blogging and ate dinner.  Why?  I need to have energy to go to my meeting tonight, I have ballet tomorrow morning, I have things to do around the house this weekend, but the biggest part is wanting to take back beauty and kick ED to the curb.