When clothes don't fit

Today I was picking out my clothes for work and I realized I hadn't worn a pair of dress pants in awhile. They are one of my favorite pairs and I remember the many days of them fitting loosely.  But today, they didn't fit.  It's probably one of the most embarrassing things I could share, but whether I share it or not the fact is these pants are too tight.

My first initial reaction was to freak out.  My meal plan is for weight maintenance (not weight restoration) and I've been doing my best to follow it.  This is my worst nightmare: that eating food made me gain weight.  Do I really know if I gained weight?  No because I don't have a scale, but if my scale was back in my possession the first thing I would have done was hop on for good ol' times sake.  And then plan out how I would combat the "fat".

ED definitely had a lot to say about this, of course.

ED: See, I told you not to trust them.  You can't trust food and you certainly can't trust your body.  What if you gain more and everyone will notice and judge you.  You can't be pretty and wear a larger size.  You can always come back to me, you know.  I'm always here for you.

I agree with ED.  I don't feel like I can trust food or my body.  Or maybe control is a better word.  Right now what my body does is completely out of my control.  I have to continue to follow this meal plan and I have no idea what the future brings.  I have no idea what my body will do next.  I don't like the unknowns.

Maybe normal people don't freak out when they realize something doesn't fit like it used to.  I'm sure they don't obsess about it like I do.  In the past, I would have made those pants my goal.  It's not uncommon in the eating disorder world to pick an outfit that's too small and make it your goal to fit into.  The big motivator is when you leave the article of clothing out in the open so it will constantly remind you when you feel hungry that food is the enemy.

I really wish I could restrict for a week and see how the pants fit and keep doing it until they are loose on my hips again.  It's a bit addicting when your clothes are a bit too big.  It's a milestone marker for all the hard work you put into your body.  This "hard work" is really what you took out and left out of your body.

Even though I want to take back beauty, there is this part of me that's not ready to let go of ED.  Am I saying I'm going to start engaging in all my behaviors and forget about recovery?  No.  I am saying that I'm not going to easily forget about my brown dress pants and how they are now a part of my past instead of my present and future.

You might wonder what's next for these pairs of pants.  For right now, they're going to stay in my closet.  Myintent is not for self torture, promise.  I'm just not ready to say goodbye and let them go for good.