A big mistake

Recently I made a rather big mistake.  For the purpose of this blog it doesn't matter what I did wrong, what matters is what I do with the mistake.  This mistake affected a few people and I feel terrible.  I wish I could go back in time and change it.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt this way when we reveal how imperfect we are.

When I realized the damage I caused I immediately wanted to self harm.  Usually when I do something wrong I hold on to it and I don't let it go.  ED berates me for being so stupid, terrible, selfish, disgusting, etc and he coaches me on what to do next.

You deserve to be cut, to be punished.  You deserve to starve.  Nobody loves you.  You deserve to die.

This time with my mistake I talked it out with my husband John.  Although I was scared to talk about what I had done, I still needed to talk.  As always, John is too good for me and listened and didn't judge.  He comforted me and told me I had to let it go, there was nothing I could do to change the past.

I realized that cutting myself or skipping a meal would never fix my mistake, it would just keep my thoughts spinning, keep me feeling guilty, keep me with ED.  I was reminded that I am human and humans make mistakes.  Was it a good thing this mistake happened?  No.  I wish I could do something to remedy it and if I figure out a way how, I know it won't be with a razor in my hand.