Getting back on track

Something I'm going to have to get used to is getting back on track again and again.  I've shared recently how good I've felt, but unfortunately that feeling doesn't stay.  Life happens and then for some reason instead of taking two steps forward, I take a step back.  I think a combination of being sick with a cold, a family friend dying, rehearsing and performing for a show and not getting enough sleep equals a lapse.

Today I didn't follow my meal plan at all and this past weekend was very difficult to uphold it as well.  I basically went the whole work day without eating much.  I wasn't trying to restrict, but I really haven't been hungry for days so I just let it slide.  Other people aren't hungry when they're sick or busy...but usually they don't make a habit out of not eating much for days because they're trying to lose weight.

The strange thing about today was not having the thoughts of needing to lose weight or any negative self talk.  I even questioned myself, is this the eating disorder or what?  It's hard to draw that line where ED ends and recovery begins.

I was comfortable with only eating granola this morning and having nothing else until dinner.  Even if I wasn't actively thinking about losing weight, I could easily go right back to where I started before recovery because I've done it for so long.  This is why it's so important for me to follow the meal plan no matter what.  Not feeling hunger is not an excuse to get away with not eating.

Even though this past weekend and today were part of a lapse doesn't mean that I'm back at square one.  It does mean that it's difficult to get back on my meal plan because now I have to work on eating three meals and three snacks each day again.

My first step in the right direction was eating dinner tonight!  Today isn't over and all isn't lost.  Yes, I only ate granola that really shouldn't be expected to sustain someone for about nine hours, but I told John and we figured out what I would like to eat so my dinner would be a success and it was!  

I'm not hungry and I have an evening snack to eat still.  Guess what?  I'm going to eat a snack.  It's going to suck, but recovery was never meant to be a walk in the park.

Tomorrow I need to make sure I pack my snacks and lunch because I can't let today happen again.  I could easily pretend to get back on track and assure everyone on my support team that I ate what I needed at work, but really that's just setting me up for disaster.  Today I had to remind myself how awful I've felt in years past and how terrible just five months ago was.  I can't go back.

Sure, I miss treatment.  I miss the other patients, the staff, the art therapy, the structure, etc, but I don't belong there anymore.  Treatment became my comfort zone and I was terrified to leave and I'm still terrified I'm not there anymore.  Today I longed for treatment because I knew that I would have gotten through my meals and snacks.  Not because I would have been hungry or because the food is better, but because I wouldn't be doing it alone.  I'd have my fellow patients (really my friends) and staff there to help.  Today I missed the opportunity to ask for help, for encouragement, for someone to eat with me.

Tomorrow is a new day though and I plan on being prepared.