With the run of the show it's been hard to keep up with the meal plan. The nerves that come with performing ceases my hunger (if there was any to begin with) and I'm trying to get back on track...again. Like I said in my last post that's something I'm going to be doing over and over again.
Recently people have been making comments about food and weight and in my mind I just roll my eyes and tell myself to ignore it. But I realized yesterday that although at the time of the conversations I wasn't triggered, I started flirting with ED when I got home.
I went on YouTube and found a movie about a girl with an eating disorder and her family. John wasn't home yet and I knew I could get away with watching most of it. While the main character begins to hear those destructive and seductive thoughts about losing weight and not eating, my thoughts started going down that path too.
What if I just lose a little bit of weight?
And ED gets very excited at this notion:
Yes! Just a little bit and then you'll be perfect. You don't have to follow your meal plan. You're eating every day, isn't that enough? You'll have better luck in casting for shows and everyone will think you're gorgeous. You know I won't let you down.
It's always some rendition of this and even though I know he's full of crap I still was intrigued. I was taking mental notes of what this girl was doing in the movie, of how I can appear to be following my meal plan, but really restricting.
Then...John came home and we had already planned we were going out to eat. So I paused my movie and we went to the restaurant. I was in denial of how much the movie affected me and John could tell something was off. I talked about my stressful day at work and how what people have said recently actually did affect me. I didn't tell him about the movie - I didn't want him to tell me I shouldn't be watching it.
Upon returning home I went back to my movie and John busied himself with other things. The ending of this movie is a huge punch in the stomach. I didn't see that ending coming at all and that stopped me in my tracks. Instead of wanting to continue to flirt with ED I got mad.
I don't need you! Go away! I can't do what I want if I'm sick.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my dietician and I'm going to tell her that I haven't quite been doing my part. I feel like I tell her this every single appointment, but that doesn't mean I'm not recovering and moving in the right direction.
Some awesome achievements to share:
-I haven't weighed myself since treatment
-I haven't self harmed since September 2013
-I haven't purged since October 2013
-I have eaten every day since treatment
So although I flirted with ED yesterday I have made some amazing progress and I can't lose sight of that. I can honestly say I'm proud of myself.
Sometimes we have to let those we love walk the path alone when we know they are strong enough :) You made it through that part well i am glad you did!
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