More than a lapse in judgment

I have been struggling and feeling low.  Reading my last post you'd think I'm floating on cloud nine still, but I'm not.  I almost didn't want to write this post, but this is about my recovery and yes, I've had some great days, but most recently I've had some bad days.  

It started last week.  My ankle is sprained and my foot started giving me problems so I sent a message electronically to my doctor through MyChart.  I kept checking back to see if my doctor responded and one of the times I decided to venture around the site since I don't ever really use it.  While poking around I found something I shouldn't have seen: my last recorded weight, which was in April.  I've never weighed this much before, ever.

Houston, we have a problem.

I thought I believed it's okay to be at any weight as long as you're treating your body right, that there is more than one way to be and look healthy, but this number on the scale broke that belief immediately for myself.  I saw this shameful number some time after lunch and the only thing on my mind was what I had eaten.  So I got up from my desk and walked into the bathroom.

There are a number of stalls in this bathroom and none of them were occupied.  My plan was going to work.  It was as if the universe said, this is what you're supposed to do and giving me permission to boot.  I went into the farthest stall, bent over the toilet and released the contents of my lunch from my stomach.

Does the logical part of me know that purging actually doesn't stop my body from absorbing calories?  Yes, but that logical part wasn't around.  ED had taken over.

I told you you'd gain weight if you eat.  You can't eat like everyone else.  You're disgusting.

After work I had a therapy appointment and it was good to talk out what was bothering me and how to get back on track.  I went home and told John what had happened.  He even asked if I was back on track.  Yes, I thought I was back on track.  It's just a number, right?

The following day I was able to see my doctor about my foot and was reassured everything was healing.  When the nurse asked to get my weight I said I wanted to be weighed blindly.  I was actually proud of myself because this was the first time I successfully said that out loud in a doctor's office.

The weekend had arrived and I was excited about auditioning for a couple shows and going to rehearsal for the show I'm currently in - I'm a featured dancer and we were going to learn choreography.  But while I wasn't doing the things I enjoyed I was torturing myself by looking at destructive things on the internet.

I had my new plan: eat as little as possible and only eat "healthy" foods.

I went to Sunday night's rehearsal without eating dinner.  I told myself I had eaten enough for breakfast and lunch, I didn't need dinner.  Besides I was going to be learning a dance, great way to burn some calories, to start losing weight, to get back down to a number that makes me feel better, feel worthy, feel special.  I need to look beautiful on stage, the production staff is trusting me to make this look good.

That was the dumbest thing I have done in a long time.  I was so exhausted and hungry during the whole rehearsal.  I had packed some carrots in case I got hungry and man, those carrots didn't do a fucking thing for me.  I'm actually surprised I didn't pass out.

I feel disgusting and ugly and I'm going to feel that way for awhile.  Let me make this clear, I'm not choosing to feel this way.  I'm trying very hard to stay on the path of recovery.  I even talked to my dietician today and cried on the phone.  She understands why I'm upset, but she also understands that this is a critical time for me to not slip into a relapse.

I feel stuck.  I know I can't relapse.  I've work so hard, but at the same time I feel betrayed by my outpatient team, my support system and my own body.  I don't trust recovery right now.  From the beginning I have been on weight maintenance and watching that number go up is upsetting.

Upsetting - that doesn't even cover how I feel.  It's as if I'm talking about something trivial and after a few hours I can get over it.  I can't just get over this.  I see myself lapsing a bit here and there already.  

I don't need that much.  I'm not that hungry.  I don't need to finish the whole thing.  I don't need to tell John everything.

These next few days, weeks, months, who knows how long, are going to suck and I'm going to have to sit with the sucky feelings when they hit me.  But I was reminded by so many people on my support team that I felt good about myself before I knew about that number on the scale and they are right.  Things were feeling great, I was feeling great.

So I have a new plan: to get back to great.

The art of flirting

Life has been busy and fun.  We did our second and last run of Annie this past weekend.  It's always amazing to see how shows come together and then see what friendships bloom out of the experience.  I made friends with so many teenagers!  Very talented teenagers, I might add.

With the run of the show it's been hard to keep up with the meal plan.  The nerves that come with performing ceases my hunger (if there was any to begin with) and I'm trying to get back on track...again.  Like I said in my last post that's something I'm going to be doing over and over again.

Recently people have been making comments about food and weight and in my mind I just roll my eyes and tell myself to ignore it.  But I realized yesterday that although at the time of the conversations I wasn't triggered, I started flirting with ED when I got home.

I went on YouTube and found a movie about a girl with an eating disorder and her family.  John wasn't home yet and I knew I could get away with watching most of it.  While the main character begins to hear those destructive and seductive thoughts about losing weight and not eating, my thoughts started going down that path too. 

What if I just lose a little bit of weight?

And ED gets very excited at this notion:

Yes!  Just a little bit and then you'll be perfect.  You don't have to follow your meal plan.  You're eating every day, isn't that enough?  You'll have better luck in casting for shows and everyone will think you're gorgeous.  You know I won't let you down.

It's always some rendition of this and even though I know he's full of crap I still was intrigued.  I was taking mental notes of what this girl was doing in the movie, of how I can appear to be following my meal plan, but really restricting.

Then...John came home and we had already planned we were going out to eat.  So I paused my movie and we went to the restaurant.  I was in denial of how much the movie affected me and John could tell something was off.  I talked about my stressful day at work and how what people have said recently actually did affect me.  I didn't tell him about the movie - I didn't want him to tell me I shouldn't be watching it.

Upon returning home I went back to my movie and John busied himself with other things.  The ending of this movie is a huge punch in the stomach.  I didn't see that ending coming at all and that stopped me in my tracks.  Instead of wanting to continue to flirt with ED I got mad.

I don't need you!  Go away!  I can't do what I want if I'm sick.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my dietician and I'm going to tell her that I haven't quite been doing my part.  I feel like I tell her this every single appointment, but that doesn't mean I'm not recovering and moving in the right direction.

Some awesome achievements to share:

-I haven't weighed myself since treatment

-I haven't self harmed since September 2013

-I haven't purged since October 2013

-I have eaten every day since treatment

So although I flirted with ED yesterday I have made some amazing progress and I can't lose sight of that.  I can honestly say I'm proud of myself.

I accept my body

I want to say that phrase so bad.  I've had days that I'm maybe-kinda-okay with my body and I try to realize that's a big step.  The next day I may be back in the body hate zone, but I hope those days become less and less sooner rather than later.

It's really amazing how many people have come through the woodwork and shared their own personal struggles or struggles of someone they love.  I never thought I'd be called brave and strong for writing a blog.  I'm just typing away on my iPad and will read through a post over and over again before hitting the publish button because if you hadn't guessed by now...I'm neurotic (say it ain't so!).  I didn't really know what to expect, but receiving lots of feedback and hearing these amazing stories have really helped me.  So thank you to everyone (yes, I mean you).  What you have done has helped me achieve those maybe-kinda-okay phases.

What has also helped recently was assisting with costumes for a show.  I'd say most of the women in the cast were hard on themselves and were uncertain to wear certain costumes because of their bodies.  Unfortunately when you are in South Pacific you don't wear parkas.  You wear bathing suits or something akin to a bathing suit for some of your time on stage.  I remember the day (the day) that the women were figuring out which bathing suit concoction they would wear.  They were in and out of the bathroom changing.  I subtlety left the area and ate my evening snack because I was feeling somewhat anxious.  Later though when we were even closer to the show opening, I saw some of the women still feeling hesitant or insecure.  I thought everyone looked great!  Sharon and I were praising how amazing they looked because it was true, we don't lie.  Seeing all of the cast (not just the women) of all shapes and sizes looking wonderful in their costumes really helped me.  It was proof you don't have to look a certain way to be considered beautiful.  I had so much fun watching the show and seeing everyone shine on stage.

After all of these positive experiences, I'm looking forward to the day that I will say loud and clear I accept my body.

Anxious thoughts and theatre

I've been a bit quiet for a few days and partly that's from feeling very anxious recently.  Do I know why I'm feeling anxious?  Not always.  Anxiety, like any mental illness, can be time consuming.  ED isn't the only one who likes to talk in my head, my Anxiety and Depression do also.

Let's say...John asks me to stop at the store on the way home:

Anxiety: What do you mean go to the store?!  You can't just go to the store.  This isn't a part of the plan.  Nowhere in the plan did it say to go to the store.

Me: I know we usually don't, but John does this kind of stuff all the time.

Anxiety: Nope, nope, nope.  We cannot go to the store.  First you have to drive there and park your car perfectly, then you have to walk in and make sure you're not in anybody's way, then you have to decide cart or basket, then you have to figure out where the hell you need to go in the store without looking like a moron and you better not ask anybody for help because they will think you're stupid and a waste of their time, then you have to pick the right items, then you have to go to the checkout line and not look awkward, then you wait for your stuff to ring up and the clerk may want to make small talk, then you pay and have to be as quick as you can because there is a huge ass line waiting for you to leave, then you walk out to your car, but you can't effing remember where you parked it.

Me: Yeah...you're right, that sounds too complicated.

My anxiety loves to make everything sound complicated because it's afraid of everything.  I hardly ever do errands on my own.  I make sure someone is with me.  Of course there are times I have done an errand on my own and I'm still living to tell the tale.  Sometimes it doesn't seem bad at all and other times my heart is ready to pound out of chest, I can't slow my breath down and my stomach has bats flying all around inside.  Phew...

And my anxiety doesn't just affect me outside the home, it likes to bother me inside the home too.  I want to be a productive human being and actually make my house look nice, but more than half the time just the thought of doing one task throws me for a loop.

Anxiety: Laundry?  Why do you have to do that right now?  We are so not ready to do laundry.  You have to take your dirty clothes downstairs and separate them, then you have to turn the washer on and put in the soap and your clothes, then you have be around when it's done so you can put the laundry into the dryer and then you still have to be around to bring the dry clothes upstairs and put everything away perfectly.

Me: Yeah...you're right, that sounds too complicated.

Most of you know I love theatre!  So how in the world am I able to get through auditions and be in shows?  I don't know...  

Auditions are a killer.  Last night I auditioned for Annie.  I ran my audition piece in my head all day.  This wasn't by choice, this was my anxiety telling me I wasn't  prepared enough and this was my first  audition since the fall (and since being in treatment).  What if you forget your lines?!  Waiting to leave for the audition was horrible.  I couldn't focus on anything and I was so nauseous that I could hardly eat my dinner.  I was glad and terrified when it was time to leave the house and go to the audition location.  I always feel a little better once I'm there, but the more people who come to audition the more I'd like to sneak out the door and run for the hills.  While we were waiting to begin, the accompanist came by and retrieved everyone's music...and then I forgot all the lyrics.  I was the second person to go and I had no idea what were the lyrics to my song.  I could remember the first few, but I couldn't concentrate hard enough to get very far and then I looped back to the beginning.

Omigodomigodomigod....

Once it was my turn I walked up to the table to give the four production staff members my info sheet and I introduced myself.  The music started and...I sang the right lyrics!  I didn't know what was going to come out of my mouth, but miraculously I sang the song correctly.

I find out tonight if they would like me to return for a call back.  I know the high anxiety I'm feeling today is because of that call.  (I have no patience).

It's very exciting to get the call that you were cast in a show though!  It means you were good enough.  And depending on what role you get you may feel you obviously weren't that good since you didn't get a bigger role (that's not always true, but it's hard not to take casting personally).

Being in a show is a lot of fun.  You meet new people, catch up with old friends and laugh about the crazy theatre antics you got into before.  (Theatre is a small world after all.)  The best part is becoming someone else.  I no longer am Emily, but I'm someone new and I like creating this new person to be on stage.  

On the nights of performances, I love arriving to the theatre early to put on my makeup, do my hair and put on my costume.  If no one else is around it's even better.  It's just me and silence.  Just me and deep breaths.  Just me and taking time.  If there are other actors around I most likely will keep to myself until I'm all ready.  I feel bats in my stomach right until I walk on stage and then it disappears because I'm a new person.

So...tonight I hope I get a call and receive an invitation to call backs, but I keep reminding myself the reason I auditioned was to bring back a sense of normalcy into my life and to challenge myself.  I have to prepare myself for the chance of not getting in and that means it wasn't meant to be.  I also have to prepare for the chance that I do get in and have a lot of fun.