The art of flirting

Life has been busy and fun.  We did our second and last run of Annie this past weekend.  It's always amazing to see how shows come together and then see what friendships bloom out of the experience.  I made friends with so many teenagers!  Very talented teenagers, I might add.

With the run of the show it's been hard to keep up with the meal plan.  The nerves that come with performing ceases my hunger (if there was any to begin with) and I'm trying to get back on track...again.  Like I said in my last post that's something I'm going to be doing over and over again.

Recently people have been making comments about food and weight and in my mind I just roll my eyes and tell myself to ignore it.  But I realized yesterday that although at the time of the conversations I wasn't triggered, I started flirting with ED when I got home.

I went on YouTube and found a movie about a girl with an eating disorder and her family.  John wasn't home yet and I knew I could get away with watching most of it.  While the main character begins to hear those destructive and seductive thoughts about losing weight and not eating, my thoughts started going down that path too. 

What if I just lose a little bit of weight?

And ED gets very excited at this notion:

Yes!  Just a little bit and then you'll be perfect.  You don't have to follow your meal plan.  You're eating every day, isn't that enough?  You'll have better luck in casting for shows and everyone will think you're gorgeous.  You know I won't let you down.

It's always some rendition of this and even though I know he's full of crap I still was intrigued.  I was taking mental notes of what this girl was doing in the movie, of how I can appear to be following my meal plan, but really restricting.

Then...John came home and we had already planned we were going out to eat.  So I paused my movie and we went to the restaurant.  I was in denial of how much the movie affected me and John could tell something was off.  I talked about my stressful day at work and how what people have said recently actually did affect me.  I didn't tell him about the movie - I didn't want him to tell me I shouldn't be watching it.

Upon returning home I went back to my movie and John busied himself with other things.  The ending of this movie is a huge punch in the stomach.  I didn't see that ending coming at all and that stopped me in my tracks.  Instead of wanting to continue to flirt with ED I got mad.

I don't need you!  Go away!  I can't do what I want if I'm sick.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my dietician and I'm going to tell her that I haven't quite been doing my part.  I feel like I tell her this every single appointment, but that doesn't mean I'm not recovering and moving in the right direction.

Some awesome achievements to share:

-I haven't weighed myself since treatment

-I haven't self harmed since September 2013

-I haven't purged since October 2013

-I have eaten every day since treatment

So although I flirted with ED yesterday I have made some amazing progress and I can't lose sight of that.  I can honestly say I'm proud of myself.

The war has just begun

Yesterday I shared a meme: 

I consider this a trigger for myself.  Do I have a problem with the quote?  No, it seems inspirational.  Do I have a problem with the model?  Not really, but her picture is a trigger.  The combining of the quote and picture makes it even a bigger trigger.  Why?  Because this meme is telling me that I have to look this way and that if I don't I'm considered a lazy person.  This is how I interpret it.  You can agree or disagree, you can think I'm too sensitive or too harsh.  I don't care and I found out I don't care after caring too much.

On Facebook I said I viewed this ad as body shaming and I asked if anyone agreed.  I was quite surprised at the response I received.  There was a mix of people who agreed and people who didn't.  It doesn't bother me to have different opinions, but how the different opinions were brought up was quite hurtful. I was told I'm too sensitive and that I make weak arguments.  Soda was compared to heroin and Oreos to cocaine, some were inspired to exercise by the ad, some thought that this was a failure to our society, etc.  The conversation got way out of hand and I even apologized for making such a fuss.  I was literally crying because I never meant for this to go so far and I didn't understand the rudeness that was arising.  Don't get me wrong, I still had people who agreed with me, but it was hard to focus on the positives when an opposed response kept going and going and going.  I don't know what they thought they were achieving by being so rude and harsh.  I needed time away from the argument, that I never meant to be an argument but a place to discuss something I thought was important.  I wanted to take back beauty.

Later I realized that I have nothing to be sorry for.  Why should I be sorry for having an opinion on how the media portrays their product?  Why should I be sorry for not agreeing with someone?  Why should I be sorry for having thoughts and feelings?  Why should I be sorry when someone doesn't understand my struggle?  If you think I'm full of crap or don't give a shit about my struggle then I don't need you in my life.  I need positive people in my life, people who will be there for me when I'm having trouble eating a meal, people who when I see something triggering and want to purge talk me down, people who will eat with me because eating alone isn't the smartest thing for me at this early stage of recovery.  If you want to take ED's side of things and want a thinner society then farewell.

If you find this ad to be inspirational, then good for you.  I hope you love and accept yourself as you are.  Unfortunately I feel this kind of ad produces more harm than inspiration, but again that is my opinion.

The war has just begun.  Suit up and prepare for more battles because I'm not done fighting.

The trouble with triggers

Yesterday I saw a post on Facebook about the most recent Biggest Loser winner.  Her weight loss started a controversy since the public eye thinks she took her weight loss journey too far.  The article was about her response to all the backlash.  I shared it with a friend.  Later in the day I was having issues with my thoughts and my friend said, don't read about the Biggest Loser!  I wasn't even thinking about the Biggest Loser at the time, but he pointed out that I still triggered myself by reading the article.  The article frustrated me and even though I was passionate about how this woman probably didn't lose all the weight in a healthy manner, I still triggered myself.  Even though I was looking at it logically, there still was the emotional side that couldn't quite handle knowing she got down to 105 pounds.

Before I went into treatment I loved watching the Biggest Loser.  See people lose twenty pounds in a week!  Damn, don't we all wish we could do that....or maybe it's just me.  ED loved watching the show as well.

ED: Look!  You can do the same!  You just have to follow my instructions.  You don't want these contestants becoming smaller than you, right?

But ED doesn't just get excited about weight loss shows.  He gets excited about magazines, diet fads and fitness crazes.  Today I was at the chiropractor and sat in a random chair in the waiting room.  Lo and behold, there was a magazine next to me.  I looked at the cover and laughed.  

So let me get this straight...I'm supposed lose weight so I can look pretty and polished then talk myself into a better mood to relieve stress which will lead to me baking hot new cookies and brownies and afterwards take care of my vision problems so I can check out an airbrushed Amy Poehler and obsess about how I don't look as thin or as beautiful as her (and since I ate those naughty cookies and brownies I will have to lose some more weight and become stressed all over again).

Right...  

Anyone else see a big problem with this magazine cover?  I used to open those magazines so fast:

A new fantastic magical diet?!  I need to read this!  

Today, I didn't even open to the first page.  I can stand back and see that this is all about making money and body shaming:

Let's make sure you hate yourself so you'll buy our product!  

Nice try, but no thanks.  I have a dietician to tell me what my body needs and encourages me to do moderate exercise.

Does this kind of magazine cover still bother me?  Of course it does!  And it shouldn't just bother me, but it should bother all of us that we are being manipulated to believe in all this crap.

Does this kind of thing trigger me?  Yes.  Right now I don't feel triggered, but just like I learned yesterday, I may start feeling anxious with all the negative thoughts later.  If that happens I know I can turn to my support system and talk it out.

Another trigger in the chiropractor's office was this flyer:

For now let's just ignore the fact that this was meant for December 2013.  All I can say is this breaks my heart that a dietician is running a program like this.  Our diets should be about giving our body the nutrition it needs and not about losing unwanted pounds or having the flattest abs.  Everyone's body knows what to do with all the necessary food groups, which can include a slice of pie or a couple Christmas cookies during the holidays.  Do you want to eat these kinds of treats all the time?  Of course not, your body will know it wants something different, something that is more dense nutritionally.  We have to learn to trust our bodies.

Let me say that again so I make sure everyone read that sentence:

We have to learn to trust our bodies.

Yeah, weird coming from me, right?  But that's what I work on every day.  Do I trust my body?  Not really...but every day I successfully follow my meal plan the more and more I will trust my body.

This is what my blog is all about, fighting ED and the media and taking back beauty.  It's our turn to define what is beautiful, not people who sit on a computer manipulating models and celebrities or critics who like to body shame people in the public eye so we all can hate on ourselves. 

It's time we accept ourselves just as we are in this very moment.  We are so much more than a number on the scale or a clothing size.  Those numbers have nothing to do with who we are as people.  Our bodies are our shells for life.  We all have one and many of us don't like what we received, but we can change that.  

I'm starting a war.  I'm taking back beauty.  Now the question is:

Will you join me?