The art of flirting

Life has been busy and fun.  We did our second and last run of Annie this past weekend.  It's always amazing to see how shows come together and then see what friendships bloom out of the experience.  I made friends with so many teenagers!  Very talented teenagers, I might add.

With the run of the show it's been hard to keep up with the meal plan.  The nerves that come with performing ceases my hunger (if there was any to begin with) and I'm trying to get back on track...again.  Like I said in my last post that's something I'm going to be doing over and over again.

Recently people have been making comments about food and weight and in my mind I just roll my eyes and tell myself to ignore it.  But I realized yesterday that although at the time of the conversations I wasn't triggered, I started flirting with ED when I got home.

I went on YouTube and found a movie about a girl with an eating disorder and her family.  John wasn't home yet and I knew I could get away with watching most of it.  While the main character begins to hear those destructive and seductive thoughts about losing weight and not eating, my thoughts started going down that path too. 

What if I just lose a little bit of weight?

And ED gets very excited at this notion:

Yes!  Just a little bit and then you'll be perfect.  You don't have to follow your meal plan.  You're eating every day, isn't that enough?  You'll have better luck in casting for shows and everyone will think you're gorgeous.  You know I won't let you down.

It's always some rendition of this and even though I know he's full of crap I still was intrigued.  I was taking mental notes of what this girl was doing in the movie, of how I can appear to be following my meal plan, but really restricting.

Then...John came home and we had already planned we were going out to eat.  So I paused my movie and we went to the restaurant.  I was in denial of how much the movie affected me and John could tell something was off.  I talked about my stressful day at work and how what people have said recently actually did affect me.  I didn't tell him about the movie - I didn't want him to tell me I shouldn't be watching it.

Upon returning home I went back to my movie and John busied himself with other things.  The ending of this movie is a huge punch in the stomach.  I didn't see that ending coming at all and that stopped me in my tracks.  Instead of wanting to continue to flirt with ED I got mad.

I don't need you!  Go away!  I can't do what I want if I'm sick.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my dietician and I'm going to tell her that I haven't quite been doing my part.  I feel like I tell her this every single appointment, but that doesn't mean I'm not recovering and moving in the right direction.

Some awesome achievements to share:

-I haven't weighed myself since treatment

-I haven't self harmed since September 2013

-I haven't purged since October 2013

-I have eaten every day since treatment

So although I flirted with ED yesterday I have made some amazing progress and I can't lose sight of that.  I can honestly say I'm proud of myself.

Getting back on track

Something I'm going to have to get used to is getting back on track again and again.  I've shared recently how good I've felt, but unfortunately that feeling doesn't stay.  Life happens and then for some reason instead of taking two steps forward, I take a step back.  I think a combination of being sick with a cold, a family friend dying, rehearsing and performing for a show and not getting enough sleep equals a lapse.

Today I didn't follow my meal plan at all and this past weekend was very difficult to uphold it as well.  I basically went the whole work day without eating much.  I wasn't trying to restrict, but I really haven't been hungry for days so I just let it slide.  Other people aren't hungry when they're sick or busy...but usually they don't make a habit out of not eating much for days because they're trying to lose weight.

The strange thing about today was not having the thoughts of needing to lose weight or any negative self talk.  I even questioned myself, is this the eating disorder or what?  It's hard to draw that line where ED ends and recovery begins.

I was comfortable with only eating granola this morning and having nothing else until dinner.  Even if I wasn't actively thinking about losing weight, I could easily go right back to where I started before recovery because I've done it for so long.  This is why it's so important for me to follow the meal plan no matter what.  Not feeling hunger is not an excuse to get away with not eating.

Even though this past weekend and today were part of a lapse doesn't mean that I'm back at square one.  It does mean that it's difficult to get back on my meal plan because now I have to work on eating three meals and three snacks each day again.

My first step in the right direction was eating dinner tonight!  Today isn't over and all isn't lost.  Yes, I only ate granola that really shouldn't be expected to sustain someone for about nine hours, but I told John and we figured out what I would like to eat so my dinner would be a success and it was!  

I'm not hungry and I have an evening snack to eat still.  Guess what?  I'm going to eat a snack.  It's going to suck, but recovery was never meant to be a walk in the park.

Tomorrow I need to make sure I pack my snacks and lunch because I can't let today happen again.  I could easily pretend to get back on track and assure everyone on my support team that I ate what I needed at work, but really that's just setting me up for disaster.  Today I had to remind myself how awful I've felt in years past and how terrible just five months ago was.  I can't go back.

Sure, I miss treatment.  I miss the other patients, the staff, the art therapy, the structure, etc, but I don't belong there anymore.  Treatment became my comfort zone and I was terrified to leave and I'm still terrified I'm not there anymore.  Today I longed for treatment because I knew that I would have gotten through my meals and snacks.  Not because I would have been hungry or because the food is better, but because I wouldn't be doing it alone.  I'd have my fellow patients (really my friends) and staff there to help.  Today I missed the opportunity to ask for help, for encouragement, for someone to eat with me.

Tomorrow is a new day though and I plan on being prepared.

I danced it out

Yesterday I found out a family friend passed away.  He had aplastic anemia and needed a bone marrow transplant to improve his chances of beating the disease.  I've known him since I was in fourth grade.  His son and my brother were best friends for a long time.  

I reconnected with Dave when he started doing theatre.  He became a "regular" like me with a specific church group.  It was strange at first to interact with him on an adult level.  I don't think it was strange for him, but it was strange for me because it used to be adult/child.  Now it's adult/adult.  I didn't have to call him "Mr. St. John" anymore and we could talk about grown up things.

I remember Dave always smiling and laughing and portraying happiness.  After I revealed my struggles through this blog, he was very supportive and reminded me that so many people actually cared.  His encouragement meant the world to me.

In a way I thought we were fighting together.  He was fighting aplastic anemia and I was fighting an eating disorder.  

I never thought he would actually die...

I never thought he could lose.

I thought we both were going to win our wars.

As I looked at my cell phone last night during rehearsal and saw the e-mail from my mom telling me of his passing I couldn't breathe for a moment.  I had to read it over and over again.

No, no.  This isn't right.  He didn't die.  He's not gone.  We're both fighting, we're both going to beat this...  I didn't get to say goodbye...he can't be gone.  They just had a drive for him...

I remember the last time I saw him.  It was for the show I was helping with costumes.  It was time for the cast party!  He was originally in the show, but with his treatment he wasn't able to perform.  But the night of the cast party, he was in the audience.  I walked into the gymnasium after the show was over and smiled when I saw that he was chit chatting with everyone around him.  I was so glad to see he was there.  He said my name excitedly and asked how I was (he truly wanted to know).  We hugged and I asked him how he was feeling.  We both were having good days it seemed.  The cast party was so much fun and I remember he sang a song during karaoke.

I didn't think that was going to be the last time I ever saw him...

After rehearsal last night I went home to an empty house.  My husband is visiting his family this weekend.  I collapsed on the living room floor and sobbed.  

We were both supposed to win our wars.

I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep so I turned on my Imagine Dragons cd.  I started cleaning the house before rehearsal and I decided to pick up where I left off.  I was still crying and I realized I wouldn't be able to clean right then, right when Radioactive was playing in the background.

I threw myself to the floor and I danced my grief out.  I don't know if you could really call what I was doing dancing, but whatever it was the music was moving my body.  You might say I was having a tantrum and releasing my frustration and anger and shock and despair and sadness...  

Then there was a moment I couldn't dance anymore.

All I could do was cry.

Slowly, but surely I got up and started cleaning, pausing for moments when the tears seemed to take over.  Finally exhaustion over came me.  I slipped into bed and fell asleep knowing this wasn't some terrible nightmare.

My heart goes out to the family and friends of Dave St. John.  You will be truly missed.