Making ED mad

Most recently I've been feeling low and experiencing harmful thoughts about restricting, cutting and death.  I'm physically fine, I haven't given into those thoughts.  I feel like a hypocrite to promote recovery and body acceptance and self love, when right now I want to return to the very behaviors that led me into treatment in the first place.  I told my husband yesterday that I'm disappointed in myself because I was doing so well and now...I'm not, as if all that hard work doesn't mean anything.  But he reminded me my hard work isn't gone and that I will have slips and falls.  

I keep questioning, why am I having so much trouble right now?  Overall this past year I've done rather well in recovery.  I've been told on more than one occasion that I seem happier and brighter and that just makes me smile even more!

Then I realized what's going on: I've made ED mad.  All my successes, especially my newest one, smashing my scale, makes ED weaker.  He's like some bad exboyfriend that doesn't get the hint I'm not coming back to you, it's OVER.  But now he's stalking me with a vengeance, trying to make my life seem out of control so I'll go back to him and remember the "good times".

Dear ED,

This probably won't be the last letter I write.  I'm once again telling you that it's over, we are done.  If I go back to you I know you'll end up killing me.  If I could legally get a restraining order against you I would do it in a heartbeat.  I've had enough of your bullshit and abuse.  I may feel weak right now, but I know what it's like to feel strong.  There are so many things I want to do with my life and you're just a fucking control freak.

I know about the others.  I know about all your affairs and I'm warning you to leave them alone.  I've been starting a revolution, I've been calling you out on your bullshit, I've been laughing in your face and you can't handle it.  Who's the weak one now?  In the end you're going to be all alone.

P.S.  I've got an army so you better watch yourself.  You're going down, jackass.

When purging is a good thing

One reason why I love the movie Frozen so much is because of the popular song Let It Go.  I know...everyone is sick of hearing that song, but for me it has huge significance.  The action of letting go is so crucial in every day life.

When engaging in behaviors like purging essentially we are using our bodies to get rid of or let go of the negative feelings we are experiencing.  Bingeing is seen as an action to bury your feelings down and then purging to release that tension.  People say they feel a sense of relief after a purge.  With the holidays I definitely experienced moments of wanting to purge, but I'm proud to say I didn't give in to those feelings.

With the new year I wanted to talk about purging, but in a different and healthy way.  Let's say you have a friend, but for some reason they can be toxic.  It's a difficult thing, but letting them go or purging them out of your life may be necessary.  Remember YOU have to take care of YOU and no one else is going to do it.

I get attached to stuff easily, as my family knows all too well.  For some reason letting objects go that hold some meaning is a challenge.  I'm afraid I'll forget the memory that it's associated with or I'm afraid if I donate the item it will be mistreated (yes, I said mistreated, like it's real).  (On a side note: In some of my eating disorder research it's common for sufferers to associate magical properties to objects.  For example, my baby blanket.  I still have my baby blanket and I don't refer to the blanket as an "it" but as a "she".  Even though I'm well aware it is a blanket, just pieces of cloth, I give "her" feelings and there are many days "she" can make me feel comforted and even loved.). But accumulating stuff can actually be detrimental and one can start becoming a hoarder.  I'm not going to turn around and get rid of my blanket, but I also can't hold on to everything little thing that means something to me.  The act of purging and letting go of things can be very therapeutic.  

My husband has been an amazing asset when it comes to helping me let go.  We recently went through a box of my toys and I have such fond memories of each one of them, but as hubby brought up someone else can find joy playing with these toys and that I haven't used these toys in a very long time.  There were certain ones that I didn't want to get rid of, but at the end of the day I had a couple boxes of toys ready to be donated.  And even though at first I felt sad that I wouldn't have these toys anymore I ended up feeling relieved.  I don't need those possessions and that's very freeing.

Letting go of negative feelings is an even harder task to do than letting go of actual stuff.  For us to really grow we have to let go of the things weighing us down.  If you imagine yourself holding onto the various objects that represent hurt feelings or bad memories you can't also hold on to new happy feelings and memories.  I struggle with this all the time.  I can get in a rut and play a negative tape in my head over and over again, but what good is that?  I'm focusing so much on the past and how something made me feel bad instead of making peace with that situation and purging it out of my life.  We all make mistakes and some mistakes are rather large, but try to let it go.  

You are more than your mistakes and struggles.  

Free yourself from the prison cell you created.  

You are a good person and you deserve to feel good.  

You are worthy.

It's never been easy for me, but the more I learn to let go or purge in a healthy manner the better I feel about myself.  Here is to a happy and healthy new year!  And remember you are never alone!