All I remember of this is standing in the back of the church bawling my eyes out because being an angel scared me. I remember my mom standing in the back with me. I don't remember what she said, I just know she didn't make me walk down the aisle.
I wanted to be an angel so bad. Then why didn't I just walk down the aisle with all the other angels? Because I was scared of the unknown. We didn't rehearse. We were told just walk down the aisle and stand near the altar. Okay...but...what if I mess up? Even at a young age I needed to do everything right. I needed to be perfect.
It's strange to think at the age of five I was already aware of people watching me and judging me and making mistakes and the consequences of mistakes. Five seems like such a young age to be worried about the world. These days I see little kids in church just doing their own thing. They are coloring or looking at a book or even sitting quietly during the Mass. And we all know those kids who have maybe just a little too much energy and they make themselves known. (Sorry parents, the whole congregation knows where you are sitting, you cannot hide.) I think about these active children and wonder why they don't worry about people looking at them or realize that their voice carries or that they make noise when they toss a toy at the ground. These children are curious and they should be. They want to experience what is around them. I think of them as adventurous.
I was not adventurous. In the confines of my own home I went on plenty of adventures, but bringing me out to the real world I just froze. I was too afraid to move because...what if I make a mistake? I don't know exactly what I was afraid of all the time, I just had this unsettling feeling that something bad was going to happen. I still experience those moments; they're called panic attacks.
Recently I've been trying to motivate myself to finally do what I want to do, but I keep getting in the way.
I want to write a play. Okay, write a play, brainstorm some ideas and start writing stuff out. It doesn't have to be perfect and most likely the first draft will need work, so go head and write a play. Easier said than done. Do you know how many times I've started writing a story and I just stop because I'm afraid it sucks?
I want to write music. Okay, write some music. Just write what you feel and think and a melody will come to you. Again, it doesn't have to be perfect, so go ahead and write a song. Yeah...easier said than done. What if no one likes it?
I'm still five years old standing in the back of the church crying, afraid to walk down the aisle because...why? In my last blog I said it's time to get real and I'm still working on that. I know what I want. Now I need to let go of my mom's hand, dry my tears and walk down that aisle not having a clue what I'm doing because no one has told me, but that's the point. No one can tell me what to do, only I can do that. I can't go back in time and change how that played out all those years ago, but I can challenge myself every day to keep on moving toward my goals and aspirations. Easier said than done, but if I write a sentence or a phrase, that's better than not writing anything at all...and hey, at least I wrote this post. ;)
