Still feeling good!

It's strange to report that I'm still feeling good!  Just comparing to how terrible last year and previous years were and even the beginning of this one, I'm amazed at this change for the better.  I can't believe I was trying to prepare myself for suicide around my birthday.  Phew...that's scary.  

Recovery is not a walk in the park.  I'm still missing some parts to my meal plan now and then, but I'm eating every day and that's awesome!  I need to work on planning better so I get everything I need in each meal and snack.

I'm not obsessing about my weight like I was before or my clothing size.  I'm curious as to what my weight is, but I know going down that path will most likely trigger me and possibly create a lapse or worse.

Today I looked in the mirror and actually liked how I looked in my dress pants.  Go figure!  It's all very exciting and alarming.  I'm not used to appreciating myself and how I look.

I'm also eating "bad" foods or what I considered was bad.  If a cookie looks good I'm gonna eat it because my body will know what to do with it.  I'm allowed to enjoy food!  What a concept!  Do I still have my moments of why did you just eat that?!  Yes, of course, I'm still fighting a very serious disorder, but I'm able to fight those thoughts more than I used to.

At Easter I ate probably a bigger meal than I'd like for having eaten at all my other designated times, but guess what?  When I was done eating I was satisfied and I didn't want to binge because I had starved myself the whole morning and possibly the previous day.  

I still worry that I'm not considered thin or beautiful or that I'll gain weight, but so many wonderful people in my life have proven to me that those things don't even matter.  We are all beautiful!  

Stop trying to lose weight and diet and exercise too much.  Eat the foods that will nourish your body, but also let it have some fun foods and eat a cookie!  If you like to swim then go to the community pool or for me I love dance and I'm in a beginner ballet class.  I also started yoga right after I was discharged from treatment.  I'm still involved in theatre and that includes movement too.  I feel like for right now those are great activities for me and I don't need to spend lots of time (or any time) on  fitness equipment or have a gym membership.  My point is move your body in some way that works for you!  Notice I didn't say exercise!

Find what you're passionate about!  For me it's music, dance and theatre!  Maybe for you it's science or literature.  Spend time every day doing something for you, even if it's just listening to your favorite song or taking time to write a poem or studying about dark matter (which I found out is pretty cool and a difficult concept for me to understand completely).

Dudes...I'm doing it.  I'm recovering.  Who knew feeling good felt so...good?!  I don't want to go back to where I was and I still have so much room for improvement, but life comes one day at a time and that's what I'm learning to let unfold.

Here's a smile for your day!

Good moods

I'm glad to say I'm in a good mood!  I was not doing the greatest and I felt like I didn't even have control in my own recovery.  I was just watching myself lapse and felt nothing but doom and gloom.  Then I experienced the moment that I just couldn't take this crap anymore (see You're gonna hear me roar blog post).

Since then I've still had moments of feeling anxious or not feeling hungry or feeling guilty for eating certain foods, but I'm not letting that get in my way.  Recently I heard the song Happy by Pharrell for the first time and it really put a spark in my mood.  I've watched some of the hour length videos and took in everyone's uniqueness, how they expressed themselves by what they were wearing, the props they used and the movement of their bodies.  It's amazing what a smile can do for your image!  I want to start dancing randomly in public places because...why not?

A good friend pointed me into the direction of the song Brave by Sara B.  I love the video and watching each dancer do their thang.  It just makes me smile how open they were to the experience and just danced like no one was watching.

Seeing the confidence of all these people just makes me want to be brave and happy and hopefully infect those closest around me with this amazing energy.

I'll now quote Max Bialystock: 

There's more to you than there is to you.

Yes, I'm aware Max was full of BS when he said this to Leo Bloom, but really, there is more to all of us than we even realize.

I don't have any more time for fear and sadness!  Let's hit the ground running!  Let's make people smile and laugh.  Let's do strange things in public.  Let's write music and plays and books.  Let's dance and sing to our heart's content.  Let's unleash the more.  I dare you!

My seven days away from Facebook

When I disabled my Facebook account a week ago, I thought I was going to be away for a good amount of time, like a month.  Who knows, I may just turn around randomly and disable it again.

You could say I was stuck like glue to Facebook.  What's happening right now?!  Did anyone see my post?  Did my friend respond to that message?

Seriously, I was driving myself crazy and all I wanted was to feel connected to someone so I wouldn't have to feel so alone.  But being obsessed with Facebook actually made me feel more lonely than I realized and it created so much "noise" that I wasn't exactly paying attention to important things like my recovery or spending time with John or having a friend over to watch a movie.  You know, connecting with real people and myself.

I posted yesterday how I'm so ready kick ED's ass and I couldn't not share it even if no one was going to respond to it.  I'm taking Facebook like a grain of salt now.  You want to be my friend?  Cool.  You want to unfriend me?  Fine.  Until you tell me to my face we aren't friends or that I did something that offended you, I'm going on like everything is peachy keen.  Facebook isn't real.  It's this made up place where we all come to see how popular we are or to find out who our real friends are.

Guess what?  Finding out who your real friends are is by inviting them to coffee or to go shopping, texting them to see if they're doing okay, calling them (if you're a phone person) to just shoot the breeze. I'm not saying you can't still converse with people on Facebook and have them be real friends, but don't get so wrapped up in a virtual reality that you forget to live your real one.

You're gonna hear me roar

A couple days ago I was home alone and dinner was approaching.  Having rehearsal that night I knew I needed to eat before going.  I played Roar by Katy Perry in the kitchen while I was trying to figure out what to eat.  One evening listening to the song helped me through dinner and I decided that it would help me pick out my dinner as well.  As usual, nothing looked appetizing and just being in the kitchen was making me more anxious than I already was.

But then something inside me snapped.

I got angry and when I get angry you better watch out.

Fuck this shit.  I'm eating this dinner whether I'm anxious or not.

And I did.  

I was still anxious, but I kept playing Roar in the background to remind myself that I'm a fighter and a champion.  Look out world, you're gonna hear me roar!  

I've had enough of this bullshit.  This whole week I've been anxious and just can't shake it, but guess what?  It's not stopping me from doing what I need to do.  I'm kicking ED's ass and taking no prisoners.

ED...you're going DOWN.  We are so through.  I hope the door hits you on the way out.

http://youtu.be/CevxZvSJLk8

Crawling out of my skin

Right now I literally feel like I'm crawling out of my skin.  I've been feeling this way since before my psychiatrist appointment today and that was three hours ago.  I don't know how to make the feeling stop!  I don't know why I'm so anxious!  

My doctor suggested I don't go back to work full time yet so that decision has been made, no reason to be anxious over that.

I have rehearsal tonight, but I'm only there for a little bit because I don't have a big role.  No reason to be nervous...

My friend is going to inpatient tomorrow...sad panda.  It's possible I'm feeling anxious for her...I do that a lot - take on people's problems and feelings.

I'm planning out my next album, which I decided is going to be about recovery.  That's exciting, but it can be anxious producing...but I'm in the beginning phase of it so would I really be anxious about this?  Maybe....right now I'm mostly just conceptualizing, figuring out songs I want to cover and reading through old lyrics for my originals.

There are auditions tonight and tomorrow for an upcoming show, but since I can't be there I already auditioned so I don't need to be nervous about not being at auditions...but the waiting game is terrible.  Anticipatory anxiety?  Most likely yes.

It's almost dinner time and feeling anxious already doesn't really start me off on the right foot.  Am I hungry right now?  Of course not.  The thought of eating anything turns my stomach, but I need to eat sooner rather than later since I have rehearsal tonight.

Do I have to eat?  Yes...unfortunately.  Do I have to like it that I have to eat?  No...but that doesn't make it any better.  

Seriously, why does this have to be so hard?

I don't know...ugh...

Sliding down the rabbit hole

I've been struggling with sticking to the meal plan.  I'm never hungry or I'm anxious or depressed or something and eating just seems like a hassle.  I didn't realize how sick I was until I went into treatment and now in the process of recovery.  A part of me truly thought I could stop whenever I wanted to.

I'm returning to work full time in a few days and I can only hope for the best.  My dietician wants me to plan everything and I understand her reasoning, but even if I make a plan doesn't mean the plan will be followed.  I've been watching myself slip ever so slightly.  It takes me forever to finish my meals and when I'm at work my mind goes completely into work mode and I'm never hungry then.  The people around me are doing their best to keep me accountable, but there is only so much they can do.  And there is only so much I can do.

I texted one of my friends from treatment.  I wanted to get some encouragement, reinforce that recovery is worth it.  But I found that my friend took a dive after treatment and is going into inpatient.  That's scary.  Inpatient means hospital, means you fell down the rabbit hole so far that we need lots of rope and light and shovels to get you out.  They say it gets worse before it gets better.  I'd say going from partial hospitalization to discharge to inpatient is a good example of how that works.  I wish her the best.

When I met with my dietician this past week she did a blind weight.  To me blind weight means she's somewhat worried.  She said my meal plan is already low so if I don't follow it completely I might lose weight and easily slide back into ED's arms.  She weighed me so she could get an idea of where I'm at.  This is the person who said I don't care what you weigh.  Of course she only means that to a point, she doesn't care as long as I follow the meal plan.  These appointments are rather blunt and direct.  She doesn't put up with any BS, not that I would try to pull one over her, because she knows who she's dealing with: ED.  

And he never plays nice.

Out of sight, out of mind

Today I'm disabling Facebook.  I'm pretty sure I'll go back to social media, but for right now I need distance and quiet.  Facebook tends to get rather loud and I think I've had my fill of all the noise.  Thank you to those who have asked how to keep in touch during my social media hiatus.

One thing that is going to happen is my social circle will shrink considerably.  I will be out of sight and out of mind of all my "friends".  I'm not trying to be mean about it, but there are people on everyone's friends list that don't ever talk to each other.  In fact, I've stopped saying happy birthday to people because it just seems so fake.  I'm going to learn rather quickly who are my real friends...and that scares me...there won't be many.

You may not know this about me, but I'm not popular.  Never was and I never will be.  It's just not in the cards.  People have shown concern with the car accident and going through treatment and now my road to recovery, but in a sense I made you pay attention to me.  You wouldn't have looked over to see what I was up to if I hadn't said anything.  If I quietly excuse myself from the room no one is going to realize I left.  It's happened to me on so many occasions, it's almost funny.  It's like I have a superpower of invisibility.  I know I blend into the wallpaper and there are times I've tried changing my pattern so someone can actually see me, but it doesn't really work.

People aren't attracted to me.  There is nothing about me that makes someone take a second glance (or even a first one, if we're being honest).  Part of that is my own doing because of my social phobia.  People make me uncomfortable and I do whatever it takes to not be around strangers.  I'd rather be at the zoo learning how to communicate with all the exotic animals than try to figure out if I'm actually friends with someone or not.  And that happens frequently.  I've met a lot of people through theatre, but who the hell knows if we're actually friends or if they even like me (and if you're wondering, I admire a lot of the theatre folk I've met along the way).  Come on, we're actors and we all have egos so let's make sure we have enough people to talk to and make sure we're talented, boost our confidence, it's like a test of worthiness.

So once I disable Facebook, I won't hear from a lot of people and I have to be ready for that.  Don't get me wrong it's not like I won't reach out to the people who I think are my friends, but the return rate in responses have always been rather low...  I have to be ready for that too.

As we've learned from Frozen, I'm going to let it go and focus on what's important.

A big mistake

Recently I made a rather big mistake.  For the purpose of this blog it doesn't matter what I did wrong, what matters is what I do with the mistake.  This mistake affected a few people and I feel terrible.  I wish I could go back in time and change it.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt this way when we reveal how imperfect we are.

When I realized the damage I caused I immediately wanted to self harm.  Usually when I do something wrong I hold on to it and I don't let it go.  ED berates me for being so stupid, terrible, selfish, disgusting, etc and he coaches me on what to do next.

You deserve to be cut, to be punished.  You deserve to starve.  Nobody loves you.  You deserve to die.

This time with my mistake I talked it out with my husband John.  Although I was scared to talk about what I had done, I still needed to talk.  As always, John is too good for me and listened and didn't judge.  He comforted me and told me I had to let it go, there was nothing I could do to change the past.

I realized that cutting myself or skipping a meal would never fix my mistake, it would just keep my thoughts spinning, keep me feeling guilty, keep me with ED.  I was reminded that I am human and humans make mistakes.  Was it a good thing this mistake happened?  No.  I wish I could do something to remedy it and if I figure out a way how, I know it won't be with a razor in my hand.

I accept my body

I want to say that phrase so bad.  I've had days that I'm maybe-kinda-okay with my body and I try to realize that's a big step.  The next day I may be back in the body hate zone, but I hope those days become less and less sooner rather than later.

It's really amazing how many people have come through the woodwork and shared their own personal struggles or struggles of someone they love.  I never thought I'd be called brave and strong for writing a blog.  I'm just typing away on my iPad and will read through a post over and over again before hitting the publish button because if you hadn't guessed by now...I'm neurotic (say it ain't so!).  I didn't really know what to expect, but receiving lots of feedback and hearing these amazing stories have really helped me.  So thank you to everyone (yes, I mean you).  What you have done has helped me achieve those maybe-kinda-okay phases.

What has also helped recently was assisting with costumes for a show.  I'd say most of the women in the cast were hard on themselves and were uncertain to wear certain costumes because of their bodies.  Unfortunately when you are in South Pacific you don't wear parkas.  You wear bathing suits or something akin to a bathing suit for some of your time on stage.  I remember the day (the day) that the women were figuring out which bathing suit concoction they would wear.  They were in and out of the bathroom changing.  I subtlety left the area and ate my evening snack because I was feeling somewhat anxious.  Later though when we were even closer to the show opening, I saw some of the women still feeling hesitant or insecure.  I thought everyone looked great!  Sharon and I were praising how amazing they looked because it was true, we don't lie.  Seeing all of the cast (not just the women) of all shapes and sizes looking wonderful in their costumes really helped me.  It was proof you don't have to look a certain way to be considered beautiful.  I had so much fun watching the show and seeing everyone shine on stage.

After all of these positive experiences, I'm looking forward to the day that I will say loud and clear I accept my body.