I am being discharged

I'm trying my very best not to freak out that I am being discharged on Tuesday.  I got official word yesterday...and I did a lot of crying.  I knew one day I'd have to leave treatment, but I thought I'd stay a little longer.  I don't feel ready to leave, but there isn't anything I can do to prevent my discharge.  (Radical acceptance.)

My biggest concern is slipping up.  I know it's human nature to make mistakes, but I'm a perfectionist.  The staff at treatment are amazing and they help keep us all accountable.  Now...I have to be accountable for myself without their help.  That's very scary.  I will have an outpatient team so I'm not being thrown to the wolves, but I won't be seeing them on such a frequent basis.  I will also have my support team, but it's very easy to isolate myself from the people who are there for me.  I just hope I can stay strong and use the tools I've learned.

Also, I just don't feel like a whole person yet.  There are certain house chores I can't even do because they overwhelm me so much.  And somehow I'm supposed to face the world when doing laundry causes a panic attack?  In the past I have dealt with anxiety and overwhelming feelings by engaging in ED behaviors, but I can't do that anymore.  I have to sit with feeling anxious and overwhelmed and scared and frustrated and depressed.  That is fucking hard and there are days it seems easier to give in to ED because it "worked" before.

Just typing this makes me want to cry all over again.  Know what my therapist at treatment would say to that?  "Go ahead, cry!"  She gets excited when our emotions become so raw and vulnerable that the only thing left to do is cry.  We have to feel the pain that we've been trying so hard to contain and hide.  If we feel like shit that basically means we are moving in the right direction.  Great...I'll just check that off of the recovery to do list.

I am very grateful for our therapist because she is suggesting that I ease back into work.  That will be so helpful.  At work I got away with a lot of behaviors so easing back in not only will reduce some of my anxiety, but also help me create a new relationship with work, a healthy relationship.

I'm in love with fantasy and fairy tales and today I realized that some of my favorite characters didn't stay at their new found magical place.  Dorothy, Wendy and Alice all went back home.  They learned a lot on the way and eventually they knew they had to return home.  Although I wouldn't call treatment magical per se, I have learned a lot on my recovery journey thus far and now it's time to go home, time to return to the real world, time to see what I'm made of, time to figure out who I really am.

Am I terrified to figure out who I really am?  Oh yeah...