Put one foot in front of the other

That's what my recreational therapist told me this past Friday.  We were talking about my discharge and how nervous I was.  Those words are so simple.  Just walk basically and right now I feel like I'm crawling.  But that's not at all what Mary really meant.  She meant to keep moving forward and although crawling doesn't get anyone very far I am still moving forward.

Yesterday was my first day out of treatment and boy, did I put up a fuss with my meal plan (or really ED did).  It was hard to finish anything whether it was a meal or a snack.  That's how it was during treatment too.  Like right now my snack is sitting next to me and I just don't want it.  Why?  Because I'm not hungry.  Because I felt like I ate a lot at lunch.  Because I think it's stupid.  Because ED is angry (that's the real answer).  Will I eat my snack?  Yes...

There were positives to yesterday though too!  My outpatient therapist miraculously had a cancellation and originally I wasn't going to see her for awhile.  Phew!  So glad I got to see her.  We talked about a lot of good stuff (and by good, I really mean hard, tough, and anxiety provoking, but that IS good, means we are talking down deep and not superficial.)  And since I'm not ready to smash my scale she is holding onto it for me.

Then I went to meet my new dietician.  I was more nervous about this appointment, but she is so great!  We discussed some of how much I want to know my weight and it was rather refreshing for her to say, "I don't even know your weight and to be honest I don't really care what is."  Say what?!  She will weigh me from time to time, but as long as I'm following my meal plan she doesn't care what it is.  She says that it's just a number that doesn't really mean anything.  I'm so not at that point of acceptance, but with her honesty and integrity I feel like that attitude will eventually rub off.

And last night I finished the day with beginner yoga!  I've never done yoga before, but I've been cleared for exercise.  My good friend does yoga and the staff has said how awesome yoga is for mindfulness and body appreciation so I tried it out.  It was tough, but I did what I could and I plan on continuing.  The amazing part?  There were times I wasn't even thinking about my problems or worries or anything, I was focusing on what my body was doing and how it could do the various stretches.

Today I went to work.  Super nervous!  But guess what?  My coworkers were so happy to see me!  They do not know why I was gone and they didn't ask either.  I'm back at work part time and wow, four hours was definitely enough for one day.  I haven't forgotten my duties, but focusing was a huge problem.  My supervisor is amazing though and she just encouraged me to do what I could.  Tomorrow hopefully I will be able to focus more.  If not, just do what I can.  This will be difficult because my mind likes to tell what I should do and just doing what I can isn't acceptable.  Shoulds are bad, don't should on yourself!  It will just make you go crazy.  So instead of shoulding today I used my new skill of respiratory control and it did help a lot. 

Final thought for tonight: I feel so overwhelmed with all the support that has come about after I shared my blog.  A good overwhelmed though.  To be honest I kept this a secret for so long because I was so worried about the negative reactions I would get, like losing friends and letting people down or people being disappointed, but that's just ED's bullshit to keep me isolated.  You all are wonderful and I appreciate every comment, message, and like.  All the positive encouragement makes me want to keep moving forward and so I shall.