I am struggling

Yesterday I said I was a warrior and I still believe so, but today I'm struggling.  I have no hunger cues and sticking with the meal plan gets tougher.  I'm trying so hard to accomplish recovery that I keep resisting urges to restrict, binge, purge, self harm, exercise...but all those urges just keep building.  The impending discharge doom is hanging over me.  It's very hard not to focus on and all the potential slip ups I might have after I'm released from the program.

I know logically engaging in any behavior will NOT make me feel better, although the thoughts in my head say otherwise.  I may feel better for a split second and then I will just feel as crappy (or more) than I did before.

These difficult days make me feel defeated and I question (really ED questions) if recovery is worth it.  Having an eating disorder is my way to cope with the world.  Now I'm trying to find new ways to cope and it's hard and majorly sucks.  I'm hoping this blog will be one of those new ways to cope.  Other  good coping skills I've discovered are reading, coloring (yeah like a little kid, seriously it's an amazing thing), listening to music, painting my nails, playing strangely addicting games on my iPad, talking to the people on my support team, and list is going to grow.

Crying also works.  I had a good cry on my way home from program today because all I really wanted to do was purge my dinner, skip my evening snack, and just give up.  Once I came home I talked to my husband (while hiding under the covers, still crying) and he was doing his best to calm me down.  After we talked I was so depressed I didn't want to get out of bed.

Guess what?  I got out of bed.  Took some coaxing and nudging and doing goofy things on John's part, but I got out of bed.  I did some necessary paperwork regarding short term disability for my work, painted my nails, listened to Imagine Dragons, texted with my dad (which was so helpful), and now writing up a blog.  At this moment I don't feel as hopeless, but it can change by the hour, the minute, the second.

Fighting ED is one huge war and there are going to be battles I win and there are going to be battles ED wins.  I'm not trying to set myself up for failure.  I'm trying to be realistic since no recovery is perfect.  Slipping up is a part of recovery.  Slipping up freaks me out.  Slipping up doesn't equal a relapse.  Slipping up means I'm human.

As Cesar Millan (Dog Whisperer) says, "It's not about how bad it was, it's about what you do now."  And now?  I'm going to eat my snack that I've been avoiding since I got home.