It seems somewhat surreal that tomorrow is my last day. I've bonded with so many patients and the staff. For awhile it will feel impossible that I can move on with my daily life without them. I'm not even sure if I will get to participate in Tuesday's schedule fully and get a good chance to say my goodbyes. Discharging patients seem to get pulled here and there, which will only make me more anxious about leaving.
I get to take home my most recent art project (made out of clay!) and...my scale. I turned in my scale to the treatment team when I couldn't fight the urges to not weigh myself anymore. My scale causes problems and even though I know that I still don't want to get rid of it. According to staff my weight has remained stable...that's good. So...what is the number? And they ask, why is it important? And my reply, because it has always been important. It's not a good answer anymore.
A close friend on my support team does not even own a scale. He has no clue what he weighs and that is so bizarre! He doesn't value himself as a person by a number. I'm not at that point yet, but seeing my friend do it without even thinking about it is a good example.
Something potentially therapeutic to do is smash my scale. Smash it to pieces. Someone might think that it's a waste of a perfectly good scale when I could just donate it, but it would symbolize so much more if I obliterate it, take it's power away, take ED's power away.
I will be the most vulnerable once I leave treatment. I can already hear ED planning all the behaviors I should engage in. What ED isn't bargaining on is I've come this far and I will keep up a good fight.
ReplyDeleteDuring World War II (1939-1945), the Battle of Normandy, which lasted from June 1944 to August 1944, resulted in the Allied liberation of Western Europe from Nazi Germany’s control. Codenamed Operation Overlord, the battle began on June 6, 1944, also known as D-Day, when some 156,000 American, British and Canadian forces landed on five beaches along a 50-mile stretch of the heavily fortified coast of France’s Normandy region. The invasion was one of the largest amphibious military assaults in history and required extensive planning. By late August 1944, all of northern France had been liberated, and by the following spring the Allies had defeated the Germans. The Normandy landings have been called the beginning of the end of war in Europe.
Let this be the start of defeating your ED, The soldiers that day knew they were going to have a tough time, get hurt and maybe even die, but if not for their courage ...who knows... you have the support and i know you can have the courage to defeat your demons :)