"I'm fine"

Yesterday marked the start of eating disorder awareness week and I want to address various topics that hit home for me and might resonate with others as well.

Last night I socialized in a group setting for the first time since I was admitted into treatment (and maybe even before then because I was isolating).  People now know what's going on if they have Facebook and read my blog.  I was rather anxious last night before I arrived at the theatre to help with costumes.  I didn't know what to expect or what people would be thinking or what they would say.

I received hugs and that made me feel good.

People asked, how are you?

My reply, I'm...okay...

Usually my fallback response is I'm fine.  While in treatment I learned I wasn't the only one having troubles figuring out how I felt.  If you asked me right this second how I am and I answer honestly my response would be I don't know.

I really don't know.  Sometimes I'll throw in I'm a little tired or I'm good.  I want to appear normal.  There are many times I will appear happy and giggly and laugh and smile, but I don't even know if I'm happy.  Most likely I'm burning off my anxious energy.  I'm playing the role of the good friend, the obedient daughter, the helpful acquaintance, etc.  I can't let anyone know that I am having a bad day or that my life isn't perfect because something terrible will happen and I don't even know what that terrible something is.

I don't believe my thoughts, feelings and problems matter.  Do other peoples' thoughts, feelings, and problems matter?  Yes.  Even my accomplishments I don't like sharing because it seems odd, conceited, and selfish.  If one of my friends or family members had something to share whether it was positive or negative, I'd drop everything and pay attention to them because they matter.

If someone is having a hard time I want to fix it and sometimes fixing it means restricting or purging or using self harm.  Does that make logical sense?  No...but for some reason it makes sense to me.  There are plenty of situations that I don't have any control over, but by manipulating my food intake and focusing on being thin somehow I am in control.

I believe that losing weight will control how people see me.  By being thin people will love me, respect me, want to be my friend, think I'm beautiful, smart, funny, and talented.  I would feel confident and everything would fall into place.  ED says this is the only way, once I starve enough and lose enough weight THEN I am deserving of friends, of love, of acceptance, of anything really.  I don't know how I became the exception and why everyone matters besides me.  It just seems like a fact of life.

So next time you ask how I am and I say I'm fine or I'm okay, mostly likely I have no clue.