Behind the scenes

I'm working on my recovery album and I have taken some behind the scenes video.  I can't wait to share it after this awesome videographer I know works his magic.  I've always been fascinated with all the work that goes into a big project like this because once the project is done it has been polished and perfected.  No one sees the blood, sweat and tears that went into the project being a success, unless you share it like I intend to do.

I've watched some of the footage and it's hard for me to watch myself because I'm so critical.  I notice every mistake and flaw, just like I notice every mistake and flaw about my body, my personality, and my life in general.

Recovery could have its own behind the scenes footage.  On the outside people see me smile and laugh and be in good spirits, but that's not the whole story, that's just a finished project (and I can't even really say it's finished because recovery is ongoing).  People don't see the days that I'm extremely anxious, feeling down in the dumps, obsessing about the differences in my body, experiencing moments of chronic pain, or having a hard time eating dinner.

I've been in recovery for almost a year and a half and that's something to be proud of.  However, I sometimes get this sense that certain people think I'm all better or cured or something.  There is no cure, but there is lots of hard work in my future.

Right now my biggest struggle in recovery is learning not to care what others think.  I'm so afraid of being judged.  My body has changed and it's difficult not to obsess about it.  My mind has all these irrational thoughts that tell me everyone is judging my body and not in a good way. Then my wise friends come into the picture and ask some very simple questions:

Did anybody die? No...

Did you lose your job? No...

Do you have family and friends who love you? Yes...

Bringing back the perspective is so important!  In treatment we had gratitude journals and by naming our gratitude we would remind ourselves of what's important.

The number in my jeans doesn't dictate how talented I am, how many friends I have, how much I care about others, how intelligent I am, how funny I can be, and the list goes on.  As my mom mentioned to me recently: the only person who seems worried about your size is YOU.  And she's right.

Recording my recovery album is giving me a chance to accept the mistakes and flaws that will naturally occur, which in turn will teach me to accept what I consider mistakes and flaws in myself.  Besides, I hear being perfect is overrated.  😉