Let's say...John asks me to stop at the store on the way home:
Anxiety: What do you mean go to the store?! You can't just go to the store. This isn't a part of the plan. Nowhere in the plan did it say to go to the store.
Me: I know we usually don't, but John does this kind of stuff all the time.
Anxiety: Nope, nope, nope. We cannot go to the store. First you have to drive there and park your car perfectly, then you have to walk in and make sure you're not in anybody's way, then you have to decide cart or basket, then you have to figure out where the hell you need to go in the store without looking like a moron and you better not ask anybody for help because they will think you're stupid and a waste of their time, then you have to pick the right items, then you have to go to the checkout line and not look awkward, then you wait for your stuff to ring up and the clerk may want to make small talk, then you pay and have to be as quick as you can because there is a huge ass line waiting for you to leave, then you walk out to your car, but you can't effing remember where you parked it.
Me: Yeah...you're right, that sounds too complicated.
My anxiety loves to make everything sound complicated because it's afraid of everything. I hardly ever do errands on my own. I make sure someone is with me. Of course there are times I have done an errand on my own and I'm still living to tell the tale. Sometimes it doesn't seem bad at all and other times my heart is ready to pound out of chest, I can't slow my breath down and my stomach has bats flying all around inside. Phew...
And my anxiety doesn't just affect me outside the home, it likes to bother me inside the home too. I want to be a productive human being and actually make my house look nice, but more than half the time just the thought of doing one task throws me for a loop.
Anxiety: Laundry? Why do you have to do that right now? We are so not ready to do laundry. You have to take your dirty clothes downstairs and separate them, then you have to turn the washer on and put in the soap and your clothes, then you have be around when it's done so you can put the laundry into the dryer and then you still have to be around to bring the dry clothes upstairs and put everything away perfectly.
Me: Yeah...you're right, that sounds too complicated.
Most of you know I love theatre! So how in the world am I able to get through auditions and be in shows? I don't know...
Auditions are a killer. Last night I auditioned for Annie. I ran my audition piece in my head all day. This wasn't by choice, this was my anxiety telling me I wasn't prepared enough and this was my first audition since the fall (and since being in treatment). What if you forget your lines?! Waiting to leave for the audition was horrible. I couldn't focus on anything and I was so nauseous that I could hardly eat my dinner. I was glad and terrified when it was time to leave the house and go to the audition location. I always feel a little better once I'm there, but the more people who come to audition the more I'd like to sneak out the door and run for the hills. While we were waiting to begin, the accompanist came by and retrieved everyone's music...and then I forgot all the lyrics. I was the second person to go and I had no idea what were the lyrics to my song. I could remember the first few, but I couldn't concentrate hard enough to get very far and then I looped back to the beginning.
Omigodomigodomigod....
Once it was my turn I walked up to the table to give the four production staff members my info sheet and I introduced myself. The music started and...I sang the right lyrics! I didn't know what was going to come out of my mouth, but miraculously I sang the song correctly.
I find out tonight if they would like me to return for a call back. I know the high anxiety I'm feeling today is because of that call. (I have no patience).
It's very exciting to get the call that you were cast in a show though! It means you were good enough. And depending on what role you get you may feel you obviously weren't that good since you didn't get a bigger role (that's not always true, but it's hard not to take casting personally).
Being in a show is a lot of fun. You meet new people, catch up with old friends and laugh about the crazy theatre antics you got into before. (Theatre is a small world after all.) The best part is becoming someone else. I no longer am Emily, but I'm someone new and I like creating this new person to be on stage.
On the nights of performances, I love arriving to the theatre early to put on my makeup, do my hair and put on my costume. If no one else is around it's even better. It's just me and silence. Just me and deep breaths. Just me and taking time. If there are other actors around I most likely will keep to myself until I'm all ready. I feel bats in my stomach right until I walk on stage and then it disappears because I'm a new person.
So...tonight I hope I get a call and receive an invitation to call backs, but I keep reminding myself the reason I auditioned was to bring back a sense of normalcy into my life and to challenge myself. I have to prepare myself for the chance of not getting in and that means it wasn't meant to be. I also have to prepare for the chance that I do get in and have a lot of fun.
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