"When in doubt follow the meal plan (Damn it, Janice)"

While in treatment we spent most of our time in the process room, which had comfy chairs and a couch and we did a lot of our group activities in this room.  On the wall hangs a painting a previous group had put together.  It is very colorful and even glittery.  It says:

When in doubt follow the meal plan (Damn it, Janice)

Janice is the dietician at the hospital.  Although we don't really have a problem with her, ED has a big problem.  Janice is there to tell us why food is good for our bodies and that it's okay (more like spectacular) to eat all different kinds of food, even the foods we put on our fear list.

Now I have Sarah as my outpatient dietician and ED is damning her name for a change.  I met with Sarah this week and I found out that I wasn't really following the meal plan.  I wasn't trying to not follow it, but it started to happen gradually.  I slid a little bit and although that's frustrating, it's also a part of recovery.  This is going to happen again and again.  ED is persistent and he's not going down with a fight, which means my weapons have to be sharp at all times.  It means that I need to keep building my army of support.

Sarah told me she was unsure if I was ready to get rid of ED.  And she's right.  I'm not even sure if I'm ready to completely give up this illness.  Once I give it up...who am I and how am I going to deal with life?  That is the big question we all face in the early stages of recovery and we might not figure it out for months or years.  

While in treatment I was very pro recovery and right after I got out I decided I was going to fight!  I got this!  The further away I've gotten from being partially hospitalized to being in the real world, it's become more apparent that this is really hard.  I already knew it was going to be hard, but I thought as long as I keep open communication, as long as I follow the meal plan, as long as I use my coping skills, etc...the easier it will get, the quieter the thoughts will become, the more I will accept my body.  That will come eventually, but I wanted results right now.  

I don't have the results I want.  I've kept things from John (and told him later), slipped up on my meal plan and don't always turn to coping skills when I really need to.  I'm beginning to feel that "not good enough" sentiment all over again.  Today ED told me I am better off dead.  I hadn't heard that one in awhile and it still hurts like it did before.  With these miserable feelings I want to curl up in bed, hide under the covers and never come out again. 

It seemed to work before... 

The problem is it never worked.

Then I visualize the painting in our process room or hear one of the other patients say:

When in doubt follow the meal plan.